UnNews:Dutch Socialist Party wins election by a landslide

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 November 2006

Paradiso, Amsterdam, The Netherlands. In an official press conference by the Department of Elections, the final result of Holland's latest elections was presented to the international press. On Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006, the Dutch voter citizen comrade sent the right-wing Neoliberal government of Prime Minister Balkenende packing. Hurray! Down with capitalism! Nearly trippling in size, from nine members of parliament in 2003 to twenty-five (on a total of 150 seats) in this election, The Dutch Communist Socialist Party is considered by friend and foe to be the greatest winner in this election.

In an untypically candid reaction to the local press, the now-deformational Prime Minister Balkenende spoke of his fears that this ballot result "marks the beginning of the end for this fine country of mine". He went on to point out that the damned commies Socialist Party would build more abortion clinics, increase taxes for the higher incomes filthy rich, build less more! you moron social housing projects, legalize hard drugs no soft drugs only shees don't you read anything! who are you calling a moron ? You Me, you moron! Hey knock it off, I' just doing my work here ok ? Ok, but I still think you're prejudiced What ?! Just because I voted for the Socialist Party I'm prejudiced ? What ?! You too I thought you was one of them despicable capitalist neo-liberal thingies ! Strewth! And I thought you was one of them neo-liberal fascist thingies! Crikey! Well...Just don't interrupt me anymore, will ya ? Roger! Wilco *Guffaw* I definitely wouldn't roger Wilco, you tad! and last but not least, "allow the dykes to fall into a state of disrepair, thus rendering our fine country defenceless in front of the floodgates of the Islam!" .

In a reaction to these accusations, mr Jan Marijnissen, long-time leader of the Dutch Socialist Party, assured everyone that little was going to change if and when the Socialist Party was to partake in a coalition government. "We will enhance our dykes, and increase their height, wisdom and beauty. We will definitely decrease their holeyness!", said mr Marijnissen <note to editor: put the happenings we recorded december 27th on the background here, audio only, and keep it low key goddammit>. "We will build more prisons", he continued his victory speech, "to hold all those filthy rich frauding conniving CEO's that we are now going to sentence in big, televised, show-cased trials!" <note to editor: insert public mob roaring here> "We will increase the taxes for those filthy rich conniving bastards so that they will pay for their own detention!" <note to editor: insert more mob roaring here>. The crowd went on and practically soiled themselves when mr Marijnissen spoke of his plans of public transportation (free for everyone except the filthy rich), legilazation of cannabis (price should be dictated by income, not by market value <insert roar here please>) and abortion clinics (free for males, subject to an income-determined regime for non-males, but the filthy rich would have to fill in a tonne of paperwork <yes, mob roar here as well. Sigh>).

In conclusion, Holland is a nation very much unsure where the future will lead. Not unlike many other sovereign heh! you mean Soviet buzz off states who struggle to survive while the world expands around them and forces their government and their citizens to come to terms with an ever-increasing complexity of being.

Sources

• Ismail Van Der Graaf "Stupid worsd and what they mean" Pelting Rhinos, November 27, 2006