UnNews:Donald Trump wins the 2016 presidential election

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Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Eh, we've done worse as a nation. Probably top fifty though.

USA, AMERICA -- After a long and grueling presidential campaign, full of mud-slinging, muckraking and scandals up the wazoo, the people have decided. Repeat after me: President Donald Trump.

Donald Trump was bolstered by a campaign which touted the billionaire real-estate mogul's anti-establishment credentials. Trump had an uncanny ability to flout expectations, which is great for people whose expectations we want flouted. People who aren't Donald Trump.

You can smell the salt oozing off me, it's like that one night in Puerto Vallarta with Jim and his shitty friends all over again. Mom said sluts can't scrub the regret away. God I'm upset, I voted for Jill Stein, all the good that did. I started a petition. What the fuck 2016.

Maybe I'll sell some shirts that say, "What the fuck 2016." That'll make money. I was gonna start a screen printing shirt business. That went nowhere. What am I doing with my life. I hate this site. If Sanders won the primary you fuckers would be paying me $15 an hour. Then I can get the taillights on my car fixed. The cops don't care that you put candles on it, fascists.

Lost the Clickhole job to some paraplegic Zimbabwean. He can't even fucking type. I can type. What's he gonna do, speak into a microphone?

The world's gonna end, isn't it? China or Russia or Venezuela's going to nuke us, I don't know how much time I have before the nukes start flying. I haven't talked to mom in weeks. She knows I'm alive but that's basically it. I don't know what else to say.

I love you Mary. Mary from marketing. We had drinks that one time at the Tika place. You said he never cared about your dreams and stuff, and you hated how he treated your job like it was just some hobby you do to feel fulfilled and not your actual career and I totally get it. God, you have the prettiest eyes.

We should get married. Let's go to Canada, fuck the world. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.