UnNews:Do we really need Perv Christmer?
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 May 2013
You probably have noticed a new red date on your Obscene Holiday Calendars. You did not have it there last year, did you? That's right. This is how things are being done in the world these days. This is how things are being done, Sir. Do not be alarmed, though: I am not talking about Butt Day, Nipple Parade, the Cunt Fest, the Week of Bloody Semen, or Anal Twitmas. Those are all legitimate, wholesome holidays with roots deep in our past as a nation, aye, as a species. I take it upon myself to claim we wouldn't even be vertebrates without those holidays! I am talking about - you guessed it, didn't you? - Perv Christmer.
Who took it upon themselves to come up with such a flagrant excuse for taking your hard-earned money? Who is responsible for this vile robbery on a grand scale? You could go about guessing for a long time, since the culprits are not about to give themselves up. Therefore we must look into this with our eye on those who would profit monetarily... or otherwise! That's right! There can be different kinds of profit.
Once a year, most of us Christians have in our houses an old gentleman who smells somewhat odd. I don't mean the tax collector or the plumber. Are you getting there? Yes! Santa Claus! Think about it: there is just one Santa who has legitimate work all through the year, and he does not lurk in the woods by the school, waiting to flash some meat to your children. He lives in the North Pole and makes presents for our children.
What of these surplus Santas I already mentioned, then? What are their future plans, if any? Wouldn't you set up a surprise holiday if you were them? I'm just saying.