UnNews:Defense contractors challenged --- where are the penis-targeting machine sniper rifles?

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 January 2009

Short on cash, the Pentagon continues to delay repairs of last month's terrorist bus attack

Defense contractors challenged: where are the penis-targeting machine sniper rifles?

While George Bush dominated the news last week during his dramatic dash out of the White House amid a hail of sandals, loafers, sneakers and high heels, a quieter protest was being held at the Pentagon. Still reeling from last month's terrorist bus attack that destroyed an entire shipment of ice cream for the Young Imperialists daycare program, the Pentagon today was challenged by hordes of out-of-work defense scientists making a last, desperate plea for weird new weapons.

"Where are the penis-targeting machine sniper rifles?" screamed one man incessantly, while waving a sheaf of pages marked TOP SECRET. "We have cameras, we have image recognition, we have bullets and guns that can shoot [redacted] miles, we have Hajji and his buddies volunteering to help us run tests, what the fuck are we waiting for? When this reporter asked what the use of such a weapon was, the man grew agitated and began reading a list of names, which UnNews later learned was an out-of-date list of soldiers who had lost sausage and eggs in the fighting, sorted by the number and type of parts lost. We think he had issues.

Another booth set up in the Pentagon parking lot displayed cans and pieces of wood demonstrating the devastating effectiveness of pork bone as shrapnel. The program was billed as "Green War" and displayed a large Recycle! logo, and assured viewers that there is nothing in the Geneva Convention prohibiting food fights. Participants sang, "We're gonna pork 'em in the rear, one way or the other"

There's no such thing as orbital mind control lasers.

A lecture given that afternoon explained how the mighty Pentagon research program had fallen. "In the 1950's", explained Dr. Würtiglieb, "we were spending huge amounts of taxpayer money, but only on worthy causes. Remember Cobalt-thorium G? Remember that stuff that made the ants grow huge? Remember the orbital mind control lasers, erm, no, I guess you wouldn't. Now those bastards from Halliburton take the money straight from the Chinese reserve bank to build their dream houses in Dubai. The money never even makes it to American soil. What the fuck is up with that? We've got defense scientists working on potato guns and no-smear lipstick while our soldiers fight the same way they did a generation ago!

Despite the comaraderie comararaderie comraderie comaradary mutual support shown by participants in the protest, a depressed mood hung over the engagement. One of the many who declined to be named said, "This was our last chance, and it's not happening. You know that bum Obama won't even let us implant an electrode in the head of a captured Iraqi? How the fuck are we supposed to do operant conditioning on them to suicide bomb their own people if we can't get juice to their nucleus accumbens? Are we supposed to go back to the carotid nicotine pumps? We might as well just ask them real nice!