UnNews:David Milliband: I'm not Mr Bean, Honestly!

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 September 2010

Labour leadership frontrunner David Milliband disputes claims that he is in fact, the living embodiment of Mr Bean.

LONDON, UK, -- Labour leadership frontrunner has denied accusations that he has a similar level of political accumen to his world-renowned lookalike Mr Bean. Despite being of relatively similar intelligence levels, Mr Milliband insisted that the comparison was baseless. In an interview for UnNews, Milliband voiced his opinion.

"While Mr Bean is no doubt an icon for many Labour supporters, I am radically different to Mr Bean - not only in terms of a slightly straighter side parting, but also in my extensive plans for policies on the NHS, welfare and communism."

At this point, Mr Millibean went off on a rant about the inequities of capitalism and then started writhing around uncontrollably on the floor. After some time, and having used a small rubber duck for comfort, Mr Milliband regained a demeanour of sensibility.

When asked about his brother's striking resemblance to the children's entertainer, Forrest Gump branded his brother a "capitalist twat".

David Milliband addresses the Labour party at it's conference in September. (in all fairness, it hasn't happened yet, but what else can you expect?)

Labour Genericism

Diane Abbott, the fifth and final leadership candidate (besides someone else) could not be reached for comment, but in the absence of that, assume that she would have drawled out some generic lefty nonsense about David being a Tory in disguise (albeit a really bad one). Abbott claimed that the country would be better both bankrupt and awash with the dirty concrete walls of a failed ideology. Ed Milliband struggled not to mount her there and then.

The Candidates

David Milliband - similar to Ed Milliband, Ed Balls, Diane Abbott and Andy Burnham. Wonders what the Labour Party did to lose the election, but has not yet considered crashing the British economy, and making it the butt of the international joke, generally embarasssing the British people with his party's governmental incompetence and economic illiteracy.

Ed Milliband - similar to David Milliband, Ed Balls, Diane Abbott and Andy Burnham. Bit of a socialist. Vote for him.

Ed 'Bulldog' Balls - similar to David Milliband, Ed Milliband, Diane Abbott and Andy Burnham. Also a bit of a socialist. Scary as shit.

Diane Abbott - similar to David Milliband, Ed Milliband, Ed Balls and Andy Burnham. Absolute fanatic.

Andy Burnham - similar to David Milliband, Ed Milliband, Ed Balls and Diane Abbott. We're still working on who exactly he is.