UnNews:David Cameron proposes chewing gum diet for 90% of British population.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 September 2008

Following the announcement this morning of the collapse of supermarket giant Tesco, Labour leader Gordon Brown appeared live on ITV to warn the UK of an impending shortage of luxury food items such as finest pre-washed rocket and gorgonzola. "All we have left is beans" he cried before breaking down and being hurried off set.

For British shadow prime minister David Cameron, this announcement could not have come at a better time. As The failing Labour government wept over the the last of yesterdays crumpets, Cameron sat on stage at the Tory Party conference, sipping lapsang souchong, and unveiling the details of his revolutionary new plan.

The aim, he revealed, is to set up a food swapping deal with north Korea; "In exchange for our vast baked bean reserves", he said," they will provide us with a few small luxury items such as foie gras and anchovy toast. Thus", he continued, "the masses in Pyongyang will be fed and our aristocracy will be maintained in a state of extreme comfort".

For the millions of people in the UK who rely on beans on toast as their staple diet the proposal may initially sound unappealing.

"But I like beans.", said one local resident after hearing about the plan.

Here is where the genius of Cameron really shines. To a house of cheering Tories he laid out 'The Chewing Gum Diet'. A highly efficient,low cost program where each lower class family is supplied with a large weekly ration of nicotine laced Wrigleys gum. This free provision, as well as suppressing the appetite of what Cameron referred to as 'the proles' will also provide them with something to munch, giving them the happy illusion of having eaten. "Everyone wins" he mumbled, biting into his chocolate crusted croissant.

"The Plan is faultless", said Wrigleys Chewing Gum spokesman, Professor Chicle O'Brien, "The high doses of nicotine will both raise moral and increase productivity of the working class for at least 15 minutes after each meal. Also, within the next 15 years, we should see a massive reduction in lung cancer, obesity, sore throats caused by excessive swallowing and overpopulation".

As today is in fact the 500th anniversary of the invention of chewing gum, O'Brien announced the immediate launch of the Wrigleys Trade-in scheme. "Take your beans down to the nearest council building", he said, to a crowd of smiling journalists, "For every tin you donate you will receive a pack of high dose nicotine gum absolutely free, soon you'll be hooked!".

When asked if this was entirely an election strategy, David Cameron evaded the question and replied, "This time Gorden brown has bitten off more than he can chew".

Sources

• "Conservative Party" ',

• "Chewing gum" ',