UnNews:Darwin TV examined after Tube deaths

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 January 2007

In this frame, we see Charles Darwin, Fellow of the Royal Society (a), convincing the two men killed (b and c) and their luckier friend (d) to leave a mark that would not be forgotten for some time, and to just pay no attention to the large evolutionary tool (e) approaching.

UTTERLY, Barking, Sunday (DarwinSat) — British Transport Police officers have been examining CCTV footage near the depot where two suspected graffiti artists were killed by a London Underground District Line train at the Barking depot late on Friday.

A security guard saw a group spraying graffiti nearby just before the crash. The victims were pronounced stupid at the scene and their bodies were left on the tracks and not removed until early on Saturday morning, so as not to interrupt more important activities such as train shunting, rail polishing, track weeding or engineers' tea breaks.

Although both victims have been identified, police said they would only be officially named after both their families had been sterilised as well, just to be sure.

Officers began an investigation after the deaths at about 2300 GMT on Friday night, noting an elderly Victorian gentleman on the CCTV footage apparently encouraging the idiot youngsters. Ch Supt Stephen Jay Gould said that although the vandals were spotted by a guard, they had not been chased. "You've got to give Charles Darwin his chance."

He added that the incident was a reminder that spraying graffiti near railway lines was a "fittingly dangerous pastime. Ever noticed how the quality goes down the more dangerous the target area is? On abandoned lines, you get these amazing murals, really fantastic works of art. On the really dangerous bits, you get the dickheads who can't spell their own tags."

Local resident Alfred Wallace said a two-metre fence topped with barbed wire surrounded the Barking station but people still managed to get on the tracks. "It was rather fitting seeing the bodies right outside your window, and especially when you think their obviously defective DNA can't possibly lower the IQ of the human race ever again. It's not worth paying that sort of price to spray graffiti, so I'm glad it naturally attracts those who really deserve to pay it."

Charles Darwin, quite despairing at the idiocy of these louts.

Train drivers are most distressed when people are accidentally killed by their trains. "It's terrible getting the blood off the front," said a London Transport spokesman, "'cos you've got to avoid getting any on you in case you get BSE or whatever makes these people so thick. We don't let it hold up the service, though. I mean, the announcers say a delay's been caused by someone falling in front of a train or whatever, but really it's usually Metronet being shit again."

Two other men, aged 25 and 23, who were arrested on suspicion of causing criminal damage, have been tagged and released by the police. "We're just curious to see if they can die in an even stupider way," said Ch Supt Gould. "We held an office pool and I put five quid on one or both hitting the underside of a bridge, spray can in his hand. I love those ones."

Sources

• Richard Dawkins "The selfish gene pool thanks you" Unintelligent Design, January 14, 2007