UnNews:DOGE implements micromanaging

Micromanaging is a tried and true way to save time and boost morale.

February 24, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) General Secretary Elon Musk has issued an email to all federal employees commanding them to send him weekly feel-good, cookie-cutter emails listing five accomplishments from the past week, excluding classified information, as DOGE considers government transparency to be a serious national security threat. Federal employees were sent the assignment on Saturday, when everyone loves to check their work email, and they were given 48 hours to respond or be fired.

Response to the directive has been largely positive, with over two million federal employees sending enthusiastic replies. Musk quickly realized he has not yet fired enough federal employees to make this endeavor possible, so he wisely decided to use artificial intelligence (AI) to do his job for him.

“Dear General Secretary Musk,
Thank you for this exciting opportunity to showcase my skills. Normally when I'm bragging at the office it's about what I did to your mom last night. Anyway, here is a breakdown of not four, not six, but five of my epic feats from last week:

Classified.

Classified.

Classified.

Classified.

Classified.

If you have any questions about my historic accomplishments, please feel free to reach out to me, and I will gladly inform you that that information is classified, unlike what I did to your mom last night, which is making the rounds on ~~Twitter~~ X.
Sincerely,
John Mayrider”
~ AI-generated summary of every email sent to Musk

As expected, President Donald Trump was gushing over Musk's actions. "I thought it was great," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. Trump pointed out that Musk's "genius" email will see if people are actually working or if they even exist. Trump then praised Musk's decision to use AI to do his job for him, which solidifies Musk as mission-critical and irreplaceable.