UnNews:D.O.O.R.s put out warning

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 October 2006

Tonight in a very special report, FOX news investigates: Could killers be stalking your children on the way to school? To find out, we contacted the Department Of Homeland security. They said that they were color coding their response judging by election results. As such states that show red will be receiving huge amounts of government security funds, while states showing blue will be considered in no need of any protection. As such they refused any help for the state of Maine.

Regretably, when we began to ask the hard questions regarding the danger to our children, they threatened to "make us disappear" and referred us to one of their offshoot organizations, The Department of Ostracising Rogues, or D.O.O.R.s for short. Their leadership has issued an advisory to residents of Kenebunkport Maine regarding a suspected murderer wandering the highways. We caught up with the secretary general of the D.O.O.R.s at his peaceful retreat in Peres Lachese, Paris, as seen below

James Morrison and the logo of the D.O.O.R.s

For our interview with the secretary general we decided we needed to know more about this relentless hunter of evildoers, and so we asked him a few personal questions about him and his other agents, affectionately known as riders of the storm:

FOX: "You weren't born in a hospital, is that true?"

Morrison: "I was actually born into a house, you could say I was kind of thrown into the world"

FOX: "I see. And I'm told your first job was actually as an actor? Did you like it?"

Morrison: "No, I kind of felt like a dog without a bone. I was an actor all alone."

FOX: We really need some kind of child endangerment story, do you have any?

Morrison: Nope, that's not our department. We're just the riders of the storm.

After that exclusive interview with secretary general Morrison we decided we needed to know more about this danger to our children, who even now are almost certainly drinking lead poisoned water from their school's water fountains. While you're franticly trying to save your child's life from these "death fountains", we're interviewing one of the D.O.O.R.s behavioral scientists.

Now, I cannot stress this enough. It is confirmed that there is a killer on the road. The scientist we spoke to, Dr. Ray Manzarek, has advised that the suspect's brain may, in fact, be squirming like a toad. It might be best to get out of the area for a while if you have a place to take shelter. Take a holiday, and let your children play. However, we must advise you that it is not at all safe to pick up hitchikers along the way.

I don't want to alarm you, but our statistics experts agree that if you do give this man a ride there is a 97 percent chance that sweet Emilie will die. As such excersise extreme caution. Terrorist involvement has not been ruled out, and this may be a reaction to one of Ayman Al Zawhari's latest videos, in which he instructed followers to, and I quote, "Try to set the night on fire."

More on this story as it develops. And tomorrow we'll have the harrowing tale of one double amputee's heroic struggle. Despite losing both his legs and his pancreas in the war against terrorism this brave soldier still wakes up every day before dawn and is now even able to put his boots on and walk on down the hall. A true American. All of that and more, tomorrow at ten.

Sources

• Miguel "No fatty I am not a fatty food blarghhh... blaarghhh..." Seanbaby, September 34 2006