UnNews:Conventional Warfare back in style

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 August 2008

Forming a long queue to be killed at point blank range saves time and money.

Trench, Frontlines Sending young people to their untimely deaths has taken a turn towards the golden days of warfare, when strict rules of engagement were followed by easily identified soldiers taught to charge into enemy bullets as required. White-flag-bearing messengers, medics and diplomats are allowed once again to cross disputed territory without harm. Truces between Generals are signed over a jolly good cup of tea.

Tired of just hiring suicidal youth to do their destructive bidding under the guise of religious fervor and righteousness, a return to simpler times was welcomed by infantry on all major battlefields.

"Well, " mused a generic metal-laden soldier "We used to convince desperate homeless kids to throw rocks and piss off the other guys to coax them into striking first. Then we would look like heros carpet-bombing their nation. But where's the sport in that? Now we just shoot at each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays, usually from about 50 paces. Moral is way up. This is what war is all about..."

Guys worldwide practiced the return to a more civilized age by shooting beer cans off of each others heads from a wide variety of paces.

"This is really cool, this trend, " Billy Bob, age 8, frothed at the mouth "I can't wait for warfare to regress all the way back to fighting with swords. It's so much more environmentally friendly than just blowing things up to implicate your opponent.".

Rare, possibly photoshopped footage of Ninjas

David Suzuki agreed "Running each other through with swords after full disclosure of your vendetta in public is not only a time honored tradition in Japan, but also a respectable, environmentally friendly way to overthrow the current empire."

Sources

• Spoon "Burnt Toast" Green Eggs and Ham, With a goat, on a boat.