UnNews:Congress officially bans all names with apostrophes.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 June 2009

WASHINGTON – The House approved legislation today to officially ban all first names containing an apostrophe. The “Sha’niqua 2 Shaniqua Bill”, as congress called it, was sent to President Obama to be signed into law.

In a 410 to 1 vote, the House almost unanimously approved this new piece of legislation. Likewise, the Senate voted 99 to 0 in favour of the bill.

This new legislation was first introduced by Compton representative Dat’ Nigga Daz, who, since the passing of the bill, complied enthusiastically with the new law, changing his legal name to That Nigga Daz. Moments before the new law was voted on, Congressman Daz delivered a heart-warming speech about the issues at hand, notably showing that he had been discriminated against all his life for the apostrophe contained in his name, consequently demonstrating that such names were not giving recipients a fair chance at getting a normal job or being taken seriously. Therefore, putting an apostrophe in a child’s name should be considered child abuse and a violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Mr. Daz’s exceptional and touching speech was, however, interrupted by a rant delivered by congresswoman Mo’niquanisha Jones about “fundamental liberties” and whatnot.

The motion was also changed at the last minute by congressman Peter O’Toole to exclude last names from the proposition. He had this to say about the change: “I mean, as long as it doesn’t affect me, right?”.

However, the lone dissenting congresswoman, angry African-American Mo’niquanisha Jones heavily criticized the bill saying that such law was “A gross violation of the U.S. Constitution and the freedom that America stands for”. Sources say she had her period and should therefore not be taken seriously. When asked how she felt personally about the new legislation, she stated: “It’s all good.” in an ironic manner and also said that she would not change her name saying “Make me, bee-otch!” while aggressively snapping her fingers and moving around.

Although the majority of citizens seem to agree with the bill, the un-apostrophe-less community seems to be rather angry about it. Citizen Bon’quisha Lewis said this about the new legislation: “We want compensation for this shit!” while moving her shoulder and head from left to right in a provocative manner and rubbing her index and thumb together in a circular motion, making the well-know “show me the money” sign.

Other opponents to the law include legendary film director Peter Jackson, who proclaims himself to be “the greatest Cam’ron fan ever”. Jackson threatened to make another disastrous remake of the movie King Kong, only this time with even more dinosaurs and featuring a Kong making “really funny” visual jokes like wearing a food stand as a silly hat or getting punched in the crotch. He was apparently misinformed about the new law, which clearly states that “apostrophes within an artists name are not covered by the present legislation because they represent an artistic choice and/or are totally badass”, citing notably the case of rapper Lil’ Wayne. Jackson did not take back his comments and said he would carry on with the “King Kong: The Return of the King” project anyway.

De’shaun Brown, Harvard law professor, had this to say regarding the Sha’niqua 2 Shaniqua Bill: “That’s messed up, yo.”. When asked if he would comply with the law and change his name, he responded: “You think I don’t have problems? I got shot at today nigga!” The reporter was not black, but did wear an Ecko sweatshirt with a big rhinoceros on it, which probably confused the angry black man into thinking he was a negro.

A further motion should be passed by the Congress today in an attempt to stop anyone from naming their children “Barrack”, although some experts say it’s probably already too late.

In related news, La’quisha Thomas and La’tisha Beverly finally came to an agreement and won’t have to go to the highest court in the country to determine which one of them invented the iconic catch phrase “Oh no she di’int!”. Thomas and Beverly said they would now unite in fighting the Sha'niqua 2 Shaniqua bill.

Also related, Ph.D. Dre, a professor in social studies and demographics, says that spikes in names Yolanda and Courtney are to be expected, especially in the new-born demographic.

Sources

• Carl Mygind "Congress bans apostrophes in names." ', 06/09/2009