UnNews:Complete idiots attempt to bury Osama in water

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

22 November 2012

SOMEWHERE, The Ocean -- The entire world is snickering behind America's back today as reports come in of the American Navy attempting to bury Osama Bin Laden's rotten corpse... in the ocean. The terrorist leader and former head of the Betty Crocker corporation, best known for his attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th 2001 (and also for his Al Qaeda Crunch Cookies) was at last killed on May 1st, 2011 by a team of highly trained Attack Seals owned by the Navy. The nation rejoiced upon news of his death, and Barack Obama proceeded to milk to shit out of this accomplishment to get himself reelected.

But now the nation reels in confusion at the idiocy of their Navy, rather than rolling around on their fat asses like most people do on Thanksgiving. "I just don't understand," An average US Citizen known as Joe told UnNews, "First we spend ten years trying to kill the guy, and now we're trying to give him a funeral? Why don't we just dump the body in some alley, like they do in Detroit?" The man was then informed of how the burial was supposedly to take place at sea. "What are they, fucking stupid?" He exclaimed, "How the fuck are you supposed to bury someone in water?"

Navy Seals were witnessed attempting this in open ocean not long ago, seemingly very confused by their lack of success. They had already lost five gravestones, as for some strange reason they didn't float. "Just doesn't make any sense." Private Jenkins of the Seals said to reporters on scene, "We've been down there in scuba suits with shovels for hours, but the more water we dig out, the more just fills it back in. It's one of life's mysteries, I guess. But I sure as hell don't know how we're gonna pull this off."

The reporters onboard the USS Carl Vinson then inquired to the gruff but loveable Captain Vince as to why the were giving Osama a burial at all. "It's all very simple." He explained, "We want to look BETTER than those sand-dwelling, camel-humping turban-heads, so we're giving our enemy a decent burial instead of just leaving him to get eaten by scorpions or some shit." When asked why the burial was at sea, he laughed and replied, "Well, they live in the desert, right? So the sea is the exact opposite for them. Those primitive weirdos probably don't even know what water is. So we're just adding insult to injury by throwing him in the sea." He then proceeded to shout several racial slurs about Arabs while laughing insanely, and then began shouting USA! USA! for about forty five minutes straight.

The attempts to bury Bin Laden at sea continue, and show no signs of stopping. There are rumors of construction machinery being brought in in an attempt to move the seawater and bury Osama in it.

Sources

• Sarah Kneezle "Official E-mails detail Osama Bin Ladens sea buriel" Time Newsfeed, Nov 22, 2012