UnNews:Climate debate causing experts to masturbate
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Copenhagen, Denmark -- In what can only be described as a bizarre and totally arousing twist, several leading climate scientists have been thrown out of conferences on reducing CO2 emissions because they have been found to be furiously masturbating under their desks. Whilst in many parts of the world, masturbating on the job is nothing short of the social norm or even a right of passage, much of the civilized world is simply not used to seeing such activity. It did not help matters when one of the numerous middle-aged to older men shot off his load onto the back of a twenty year old woman's head and simply responded with "I'm so sorry it's a liquid substrate that has convulsed in the air due to the high carbon emissions; it's time that the people of the world woke up and smelt the coffee to see the damage they are causing to the environment." It should be noted this was done with his dick still hanging out of his trousers like a shriveled up walnut. Of course, no women were thrown out because women can't masturbate.
Although the incident, we can report, started out as some merely innocent fapping under tables; Before long, most of the men in the room were running around fully naked and beating off so hard it's surprising nobody got injured. Reports are coming in that say talk of the ozone layer bursting within 100-200 years was enough to make most of the experts climax. Many of these individuals resembled large dogs and other assorted wildlife in the manner they started jizzing on desks, chairs, various other pieces of furniture and women in order to mark their territory. Reports also indicate that the men then engaged in fits of growling, brawling and jizzing on rival males that attempted to publish climate reports with sexier graphs. Of course, this report is not as easily verified as by this point your very own reporter was engaging in a fit of fapping himself.
The owner of the hall being used for this meeting reports the room will no longer be receiving a fresh coat of paint, on account of the fact it received an unanticipated coat of paint today somewhere in the range of a "creamy white" with "a few bright red spots, giving it a post modern charm."