UnNews:Chertoff slow in reaction to Mardi Gras

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

March 3, 2006

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff arrived three days after Mardi Gras celebrations in New Orleans ended, thus missing out on the fun, his travel agent said Friday.

"Now I have all these beads and nothing to do with them," Chertoff said in a press conference Friday afternoon.

Chertoff claims to have "made the best possible effort" to clear his calendar but was not told beforehand when the celebrations were to occur.

"I really wish somebody had told me when Mardi Gras was. That would have been helpful," Chertoff said.

The aftermath

In response to questioning from the press, President Bush responded "I don't think anybody anticipated the Mardi Gras celebrations to go on at the scheduled date."

However, yesterday in a tape obtained by UnNews, ex-FEMA director Michael Brown is seen telling both Chertoff and Bush exactly when the celebrations were to occur, as well as their plans for the day.

An exceprt of the transcript exclusive to UnNews confirms this:

BROWN: The Mardi Gras celebration this year is on February 28th.

CHERTOFF: February 28th?

BROWN: Yes.

CHERTOFF: Could you say that one more time, I need to write this down...

BROWN: The Mardi Gras celebration this year is on February 28th, 2006.

CHERTOFF: Okay. Great. What are we gonna do?

BROWN: We're gonna take the private jet to New Orleans, go to the parade dressed as bananas, get

totally wasted and wander around the French Quarter 'till the break of dawn.

CHERTOFF: Dude, we're gonna see so many boobies!

BUSH: Heh heh. Boobies.

"This entire catastrophe just shows how Chertoff and Bush are not doing their jobs," Brown said in a statement hours ago. "You have to fight for your right to party, but they just don't seem to care about when the party is and what to do about it. They never listen to me."

As a result, Chertoff is urged to relinquish his title of "Female Body Inspector".