User talk:PythonC/Chelsea Clinton is one scary-ass motherfucker
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 February 2008
USA-- Yesterday journalists and Americans nationwide opened their e-mail inboxes to a nasty shock.
VOTE FOR MY MOM OR YOU'RE CHAUVINISTIC, read the subject line in an e-mail by Chelsea Clinton. Naturally, fearing that I would be jumped and raped in a bizarre, almost sexual orgy in the streets by angry feminists, this journalist opened the e-mail. What I found inside shocked me.
It was a terrible truth. Despite concrete evidence by scientists in America and China, it turns out that Hillary Clinton (D, NY) has a vagina. Yes, she's actually a chick. I know, I'm surprised too! I mean, look at the bitch. She probably shaves her face every morning. But enough about that.
As I recovered from the nasty shock of realizing this, and tried to make sense of the world that had once been so joyful, I read on, recognizing the sheer EVIL that some bastard from Illinois would ever challenge a woman's right to the presidency. A feeling of pure fury and sadness enveloped me as the e-mail pointed out that Hillary Clinton deserves the nomination because she has a VAGINA, assholes, she's a FEMALE(Citation needed), and if we aren't ready to elect a FEMALE then we all deserve to go to hell.
The Clinton campaign declined to comment. Jesus, however, proved to be available.
"The fact that Barack Obama dared to be so god-damn mean to Hillary Clinton is heartbreaking," he told us. "Who the fuck needs change? Anyway, I'd feel all guilty and shit if we didn't elect her. Might make her cry."
Curious, we decided to see what feminine qualities made Hillary Clinton so viable. We asked random pedestrians what they thought.
"I'm for Clinton," said one woman. When asked why, she replied, "She's a woman."
We went home that night with a clear view of how America was redeeming itself. Finally, we might have a female president! Sure, we have no reasons to vote for her other than her dubious vagina, but yeah! We'll feel good, anyway.