UnNews:Bush proposes goal to reduce Carbon Monoxide from flatulence

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 June 2007

WASHINGTON, May 31 — President Bush, fending off international accusations that he was ignoring regular underwear change, proposed for the first time on Thursday to set “a long-term personal goal” for changing his underwear on a regular basis, and he called on other high-polluting nation leaders to join him in respective negotiations.

If carried through, such an agreement would be the first in which the President, currently the world’s biggest source of the emissions that are warming the planet, has committed himself to a specific target to reduce his personal emissions.

It would be a major shift for Mr. Bush, who has resisted fresh underwear for years. The president has also steadfastly rejected the so-called Kyoto Protocol, which limits greenhouse gas emissions, on the grounds that two other major US polluters — Al Gore and Homer Simpson — are not bound by the accord in the same way as he would be if he joined.

“In recent years, science has deepened our understanding of polluted clothes and opened new possibilities for cleaning it,” Mr. Bush said, previewing the underwear change package he is to present when he meets the leaders of the Group of 8 industrialized nations in Germany next week.

Critics said, the president delivered no clear statement on what steps the he would take to limit his flatulent emissions over the next 10 to 20 years, while he was working on long-term goals for the next 50 years and beyond. Says Dick Cheney: “It’s just too much. I cannot stand that smell for one more day, and he talks about 50 years – oh my goodness!”

In one sense, the change in tack has been forced on Mr. Bush by his medical advisors in the understanding of how his gas emissions contribute to global warming. But it is also an example of the kind of clothes adjustment that is becoming increasingly common in the second half of his second term.

The White House seems determined to alter the president’s image on clean clothes before he leaves office in January 2009. With Democrats now controlling Congress, the president also faces domestic pressure to pull himself together in certain situations, especially after having enjoyed cole slaw.

“The United States will otherwise beat the shit out of me in the true sense of the word, and that’s the message I’m going to take to the G-8,” Mr. Bush said. Speaking to reporters in Berlin, German Chancellor Mrs. Merkel said: “What is positive, is that we can see from the speech that nobody can ignore the question of clothes change anymore. He can also have my old coloured jackets, no doubt about that!"

In a hint at things to come, the president "let slip" that the problem will one day be "entirely solved" by "human corks" presently under development by the CIA, and the military. The FBI is rumored to be separately working on it's own "cork solution."

Sources

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/01/washington/01prexy.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin Bush Proposes Goal to Reduce Greenhouse Gas Emissions June 01, 2007