UnNews:Bush finally declares war on war

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12 April 2006

Dubya's plan for success.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- George W. Bush, the 35th President of the United States of America caused war hawks on Capitol Hill to simultaneously boo him and give him a standing ovation. In his speech, written by top staff aid Nicholas Chevron, the President outlined his new policy on fighting War on both domestic and foreign soil.

"We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in our homes and we will fight them in the boxing ring." he said. It was unclear exactly whom we could be fighting until several minutes later when Bush intoned "Today I am issuing a direct order to all military personnel to attack any and all military personnel."

His announcement was met with shock and awe. Senator John Lewis (R) said "I fully support this new initiative which will allow the swelling ranks of enlisted men to finally be reduced in size, while simultaneously training our remaining troops to unparalleled levels."

Immediately after the announcement the Marines declared war on the Army calling them "a bunch of pussies." The Navy SEALs infiltrated and now hold all Air Force facilities outside the continental United States. The nuclear submarine Bizmark, a West Dakota class sub, has refused all contact since the announcement is was last noted near the French shore.

Greenpeace was quick to react to the Presidents announcement denouncing it as "clear attack on the environment."