UnNews:British invent quantum disassembler

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17 April 2007

But by far the most amazing and effective weapon, developed by the British in 1940, was the steam-driven quantum disassembler.
This peculiar device shot out atoms vibrating at a frequency which resonated with the quantum entanglement of a human body, hence dissolving the person in question into a cloud of quantum fog (which invariably turned into air + water - but occasionally would resolve itself as a cow or similar bovine creature - this peculiarity was removed upon further improvements to the gun, as numerous soldiers would kill their opponent only to be trampled to death. The upside of this was that the victors always had plenty of meat after the war was over, and in fact special editions of this gun were developed later which invariably solved the world hunger crisis by turning dirt into chickens and fish). The result was bloodless war, enhanced by the fact that the principle of quantum entanglement was found not only to manifest between particles far away from each other in space, but also through the same particles separated in time-
and hence, if you shot someone with a disassembler they ceased to have existed throughout all space and time - it was as if they'd never been - this greatly alleviated the problems of warfare, as the victims of war never had any missing relatives to get angry about, and this greatly stabilized the dominance of the British empire and world peace.
Of course, this meant that soldiers would win, have 2 seconds to celebrate before the reason for the fight ceased to have any quantum relatedness, at which point they would then reappear in Brussels or Sussex wondering why the hell their sofa was littered with rather expensive war bonds. Also due to the interrelatedness of kin, occasionally someone would shoot someone's uncles brother - and via the interrelatedness of the numerous probabilities of space and time, one of your own soldiers would cease to exist- this became quite a problem until the army demanded a full genealogy tree for all prospective (and existing) soldiers, so that people with any relations in the country they were attacking at the time would be sent home and certain enemies would simply be kidnapped instead of disassembled.
Infighting within poor countries became virtually unheard of as even shooting someone you barely knew could bring about your own demise (in many cases the revealed infidelity of mothers and fathers could be quite embarrassing).

Sources

• Matthew Bentley "British develop Quantum disassembler" ', May, 07, 2006