UnNews:British Police team up with MySpace.com for new Profiling Database

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 June 2007

LONDON, England - with crimes such as paedophilia and child abduction on the increase and epidemics of people being stabbed up all over the UK, Scotland Yard felt that in order to catch the

This is what suspects will see when they next log on to MySpace.

criminisers responsible for crime-waving the country they would need to up their game. Previous attempts at recording data have failed from the start and so government and Scotland Yard officials have decided to turn to the databases that DO work.

Inspecktzor N00B[edit | edit source]

MySpace.com (www.myspace.com) is one of this centuries most popular and effective 'friend-making' sites and brainy government bosses decided that with a few minor additions to the system they can really use it to their advantage. According to Scotland Yard spokesperson Sgt. Filly Smosh:

  • - Policemen and women will have their own profile, with rights similar to a high-level admin.
  • - Cyber-arrests will be possible, forcing your computer not to work again until you turn yourself in. For most MySpace users, this will be the ultimate deterrent and possibly a punishment in itself.
  • - Officers/admins will be able to have their customizable 'informant' and 'known suspect' lists, they can add or remove from these at any time. Prospective informants can only be on the list if they have added the policeman to their 'fuzz list'.
  • - New punishments to include forced Windows NT installations, removable of Caps Lock and MySpace community service (cleaning up posts, banning abusive members etc.)

As the scheme rolls out, the constabulary is expected to be able to arrange meetings for different counties, they will be able to blog recent arrests (replacing the traditional police report) and there is even talk of coroners being allowed a profile so as to add their own blog-posts following suspicious deaths.

Kri/\/\inal 1nte|\|T[edit | edit source]

Those criminals who have a criminal record are likely to find themselves with a profile underway, which is set to include their previous convictions in a chronological order and their physical description with an appropriate avatar of them (holding their username on a card). Also included on the page is personal information such as their favourite food, the music they like to listen to when breaking the law and who their favourite criminal is.
New users will be registered after they are arrested in person, and of course DNA profile downloads will be available from their homepages. Temporary e-mail addresses will be used for the personal comments and messages that their crimes will garner from MySpace users.

Zaf3Ty in the Ko/\/\M|_|Nity[edit | edit source]

In accordance with recent legislation regarding the public disclosure of offenders whose crimes involve children, the MySpace.com homepage will show the three most recent paedophiles etc. added to the site, along with their addresses and how to meet up with them. This information will most likely be used by concerned parents to block their account from their child's MySpace page and by forum admins to ensure the subject does not turn the forum into a paedophile ring.

OMG Buzt3D[edit | edit source]

Upon the arrest, police officers will be permitted to post videos of their triumph online, on both their page and the page of the criminal in question. The FBI's ten most wanted list will also contain links to thei respective MySpace pages if they are supspected to be holed up in the UK. This will also apply to CCTV footage taken of unsolved crimes, in which other MySpace members can post comments on the whereabouts of said perpetrator.

P\/\/|\|gE[edit | edit source]

If this plan goes ahead, it will have strong implications for the courts, which will have to move into the digital 'iPod generation'. This could involve court appearances being possible via MSN and rulings/court orders may even be 'podcasted' to the courtroom.
All that said, it's sure to make the criminal network sweat buckets!!! PMSL!!111