UnNews:Biden confuses himself

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

November 5, 2024 March 24, 2021

President Joe Biden has confused himself so many times—so many, many, many times—that his having done so yet again wouldn't be newsworthy but for the fact that, this time, he mistook the present for the future, saying he is “very unfortunate” to be running against former President Donald Trump again this election.

During a recent impromptu press conference in the White House Rose Garden, the president referred to Trump as “What's-His-Name,” but an aide whispered Trump's name into the earpiece that Biden wears—some say “suspiciously,” others “tellingly”—whenever he speaks.

In another “gaffe,” Biden said he sometimes gets “mixed up” when he speaks “ex cathedra,” meaning, Press Secretary Jen Psaki clarified after the conference, “extemporaneously.”

“Like his former presidents and, well, pretty much everything else, the president sometimes gets those two terms mixed up,” she explained. “We're working on it.”

Biden said his health is not an issue in the election, “since it hasn't taken place yet—has it?”

In a seemingly off-the-cuff remark, Biden said, “Despite rumors of my being constipated, my bowels are fine.” He admitted he has suffered some hair loss, “but nobody sees my pubes except What's-His-Name—I mean What's-Her-Name.”

“Jill?” he was prompted.

“Clock. Tree. Dog.”

“What does that mean?” another correspondent inquired.

“They ask me that when I'm practicing.”

“Practicing what?” BnB's Belly O'Dumbbell chimed in.

“That thing—the--what's-it--the thingabob—the whatchamacallit—the cognitive thingie!”

“Do you mean 'cognitive test,' Mr. President?” asked Peter Doozy of Foxxx News.

“Clock.”

Biden seemed to gain lucidity for a second. “Mary?” He pointed to Mary Spruce, the Alphabet Network correspondent, who had her hand raised like a first-grader.

“Mr. President, should the United States support Ukraine militarily as well as—”

“That's a difficult question,” Biden said.

“Yes, sir; it is,” Spruce allowed, “but should we?”

The president looked befuddled. “Dog.”

Spruce frowned. “Dog, sir?”

“Tree!” Biden screamed, looking triumphant.

“What does that mean, in terms of foreign policy?” she followed up.

Although the president attempted an answer, he found his microphone was no longer working, and an aide ushered him from the Rose Garden.

“Are you wearing your Depends, Mr. President?”

Asked what he thought of the president's extemporaneous press conference, Trump said, “I liked it, quite a bit, in fact. I encourage him to do more of them. One every day wouldn't be too many, not with an election coming up in 2024.”