UnNews:Bat Boy a victim of testicle molester
Friday, October 31, 2014
The former child star was on his way to a Halloween party in Upper Manhattan, waiting on a corner to be picked up by Big Foot's limousine, when a figure emerged from the shadows. A traumatized Bat Boy would later describe this figure as wearing a Batman costume, with the exception of the iconic mask, which instead was a giant rubber black penis head. Considering the real Batman was guest at a major party in Chicago, eliminating both him and his enemies attempting to frame him as possibilities, the list of suspects has been narrowed down to the now literally bat fuck insane deviant, the testicle molester.
Local residents and pedestrians in a two kilometer radius of the incident reported hearing an ungodly shriek that chilled their very souls. Unbeknownst to them, the poor beloved '90s child star was having his bat balls violated. Whereas Bat Boy is known to be chaotic and anarchic, the testicle molester's grip has been described by all former victims as firm and calculating, and with a coldness matching the very hands perpetuating the act, thus creating a contrast of situation and fluctuation that more than bewildered the dewildered bat creature. In an act of self-defense, the bat lad bit the masked molester in the face. Alas to no prevail, as the testicle molester is apparently unfazed by pain. Despite his own screaming, Bat Boy claims he heard the testicle molester whisper into his pointed ear as clear as a simile, "I too have no parents", before releasing the boy's little hanging bat balls and disappearing into the night.
When Big Foot's limo arrived, Bat Boy was seen in a fetal position on the ground weeping. The sympathetic sasquatch picked him up and ran to the nearest rape crises center, where Bat Boy immediately went wild and started slinging his own shit everywhere. After a tranquilizer dart to the neck and a nice nap, the awaken Bat Boy was calmed with a bucket of candy and a side of corn syrupy counseling.
Despite zoologists and experts of the supernatural assuring that the likelihood of the Bat Boy bite transforming the testicle molester into a vampire is next to nil, Mayor Blasio is taking no chances, cautioning male citizens to wear protective iron genital conclaves at all times to prevent an epidemic.
While it would be easy and simplistic to finger the testicle molester as a villain, some prefer to think of him as an anti-hero. Criminal psychologists speculate that the testicle molester was attempting to make a statement about Bat Boy's status. Perhaps the testicle molester's actions were a lesson in disguise, the disguise being the form of a wise superhero and protector. The fondling itself was a metaphor for the societal pressures to become an adult. While unpleasant, adulthood is involuntary. Instead of clinging to some past glory, Bat Boy must grow up and become a Bat Man. This small molestation, as opposed to a full rape, means that the choice to grow up is ultimately in Bat Boy's own hands.
Or maybe he was just a pervert with a fetish.