UnNews:Bar fight breaks out at formal dinner party

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Sunday, July 30, 2023
Lincoln, IOWA

Time to toss around some beer!

At a formal dinner party held as a Republican party fundraiser, a bar fight broke out, and multiple cans of Bud Lite were spilled thrown at each other by the guests, most of which were quite drunk on designer drugs and expensive wine. The slang term for these designer drugs is "Donalds". They can be smoked, taken in pill form (stamped with the number 45), injected into the body like germ killers, or absorbed through the skin. To Donald addicts, the very sight of others using Donalds creates an irresistible compulsion. The host, Ron DeSantis, hired bouncers to keep these drugs out of the sight of recovering addicts, but despite his efforts, some managed to get through security for the dinner. Along with the expensive wine, a roast cooked to perfection would be served at the dinner. Some people placed their bets (the host took 90%) and started playing beer pong with "mystery mixes" instead of beer. Once you landed a ball in the cup, you had to drink the contents and try to guess what it was. Guess correctly and win the bet. Guess incorrectly and lose the bet.

It started off like a friendly game of "knock over the cans". Then some of the guests knocked some of the cans completely out of the target area, then to celebrate, they proceeding to use their baseball bats on the cans themselves, and just missed one of the chandeliers. One person, standing under the dangerously swaying chandelier, yelled "Are you trying to kill us?" Some other very intoxicated guests were enraged and indignant that Bud Lite had been spilled all over them, and cried, "Conspiracy! You're one of THEM! WITCH HUNT!" A massive bar fight ensued with people grabbing and throwing beer cans at each other. Several party guests pulled out their switchblades and started drunkenly attacking the walls and electrical outlets. They slipped on vomit from the overdosed party host and fell down, their knives flying across the room and destroying priceless vases while the other half destroyed the neatly folded laundry in the corner. The CIA entered and started handing out free Donalds. The FBI also showed up and handed out the new version of Donalds, Those of the guests who were still sober stampeded for the exit instead of throwing cans at each other. The guests that left sober ended up getting DUI's on the drive home. The next day the Chinese government started Covid-23, giving them an excuse to launch thousands of spy balloons around the world.

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