UnNews:Attorney General halts BBC anal probe

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 March 2007

London, UK - The Attorney General has obtained an injunction against the BBC to stop it broadcasting an item about the cash-for-donners investigation.

The injunction was obtained on Friday night at a hearing which lasted about ten minutes 'round the back of the Royal Courts public house in London.

A spokesman from Lord Goldshit's office said he had acted "completely independently of the government" on the matter, adding "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" before concluding the press conference.

The investigation by the BBC focuses on the recent attempt by Labour Party officials to change the image of the party through the repeated consumption of donner kebabs. A Labour spokeswoman said recently, "The latest opinion polls suggest that the downturn in support for Labour is due to the fact that most prominent party members are full of shit. Our research has shown that a diet high in kebab meat will rectify this situation."

The scheme initially received backing from scientists at Oxford University who believe that political excretion has a much lower environmental impact in solid form than in the gaseous form normally released orally. Professor Copros said, "By slight modification of seating in the House of Commons, the solid fuel produced by this scheme could be easily collected. The resultant compaction would, without burning, give off heat equivalent to Battersea Power Station."

However questions have been raised regarding the funding for this project. Commentators have said that Gordon Browntrousers faecal policy does not provide adequate expenditure for the sheer number of donner kebabs required. It has been suggested that the deficit has been addressed through the introduction of new gambling laws.

Under the new legislation, rich businessmen with nothing better to do can place high stake bets on which Member of Parliament will eat the 'dodgy donner' - a deliberately prepared kebab laced with laxatives. It was the following picture of Lord Goldshit which lead to the BBC's anal probe. The picture is thought to have been taken in the main Parliamentary bathroom following a recent game of dodgy donner.

The findings of the BBC anal probe are unlikely to be released until the on-going police investigation has been completed and the findings have had a good wash in soapy water and detergent. Until then speculation is rife as to why Lord Goldshit would submit to the anal probe in the first place. An un-named source close in the Attorney General's office said, "When the BBC initially approached Lord Goldshit regarding the investigation, it was thought that Natasha Kerplunksky would be carrying out the probe. He very happily agreed, citing both freedom of information and the press. Reflecting later on the impact this may have on the police investigation, the British Government in general, and the fact that on the day of the probe only Andrew Marr turned up, Lord Goldshit decided to seek an injunction." And then a year later, Andrew Marr gained an injunction to stop an entirely different kind of probe. Even if that one had already happened more than nine months earlier.

Sources

• BBC News "Attorney general halts BBC probe" BBC News, 3 Feb 2007