UnNews:Ashley St. Clair outlives her usefulness
Thursday, April 17, 2025
Ashley St. CLair, prominent right-wing influencer and Elon Musk's broodmare, is no longer necessary to the cause of Making America Great Again and needs to be dealt with, UnNews has learned.
The influencer got her start as a social media influencer who eagerly spouted reactionary right-wing propaganda. From fear-mongering about "woke" college students, promoting a narrative of white victimhood, and painting Democrats as the greatest evil plaguing the country, she played her role well. She was a valuable foot soldier in the legion that overwhelmed America and ushered in a new age that would free the perfect nation from the lowly influence of the poor and racially undesirable.
The progression of the American genetic utopia was well underway, and Ashley's own genes were chosen by the visionary Elon Musk as being worthy building blocks for the children of tomorrow. All she had to do was remember who the follower was and who the leader was. Ashley owed all of her success to the visionary leadership of Elon Musk and Donald Trump, so wasn't it only fair for her to listen to what Elon said, to remember that she was only ever supposed to be a small thread in his brilliant tapestry?
Foolishly, however, her hubris got the better of her. Instead of listening to Elon's sage advice about staying in hiding so that his enemies could not use his genetic masterpieces of progeny to get to him, Ashley believed that Elon's secrecy about their child was an insult. She resented her child being considered "illegitimate", a foolish notion that nonetheless made perfect sense for someone like her, susceptible as she was to feminine hysteria, and blind to the value of Elon's own unimpeachable male stoicism.
Her refusal to JUST FUCKING LISTEN AND STOP BEING SUCH A NUISANCE eventually lead to the media catching wind of the child's existence, causing Ashley to go public. In response, Elon claimed that he wasn't entirely sure if the child even was his, and a genetically and intellectually brilliant mind like his wouldn't possibly have any reason to lie. Of course, her actions have now made Ashley St. Clair a liability. There's no further need to keep her alive, or employed at The Babylon Bee.
Of course, taking care of the child who may or may not be Elon's because he's definitely not sure will be an...inconvenience, given how Ashley couldn't even fulfill the basic female responsibility of taking care of her baby without inconveniencing the man who's too busy saving the worthy and taking them to Mars. But nonetheless, alternatives can always be arranged. After all, the broodmares needed for birthing Elon's legion of saviors are ultimately expendable if they get in the way of his vision, and sometimes it's imperative they be reminded of that.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Dana Mattioli "The Tactics Elon Musk Uses to Manage His ‘Legion’ of Babies—and Their Mothers" The Wall Street Journal, April 15, 2025