UnNews:America Invades Itself

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 April 2007

WASHINGTON, DC -- In a desperate attempt to show the world that they can find at least some WMD’s, somewhere, America has declared war upon itself. It was a move that surprised few in the international community but obviously frightened the French who immediately surrendered.

“We know that we will get some nukes this time” said the U.S Secretary of Defense, fresh from a punch on with his undersecretary “If only I could remember where we put them”.

In an effort to find the weapons President George W. Bush suggested that they fire all of them into the air but was restrained before he could reach the red button. He was unavailable for comment.

Suspected Weapon of Mass Destruction and former President Bill Clinton was asked if he had any nukes at his place of residence. Clinton looked uncomfortable then tentatively answered, “That depends of what your definition of nuke is”.

American soldiers went on mass strike saying that they would not fight their own countrymen, and that the government had gone mad with power. However Congress and oddly most of Los Angeles had no such qualms. Especially staunch Republican and Californian governator Arnold Schwarznegger. “I’ll destroy those democrat scum,” raged Arnie in an early morning press conference. “ I will Terminate the lot of them, in 6 Days they will be Erased.”

The war declaration was good news for the NRA. After a lot of bad press the American people overcame their fear of the NRA largely due for the terror caused by large, violent gangs of Condeleeza Rice impersonators.

Gun sales skyrocketed and NRA membership increased by 25%. “ I couldn’t believe it” Said Dallas NRA member Carson Phoenix “ We haven’t had this many members since after the Columbine High School massacre. God I love terror inducing violence, it’s so profitable. God I love a war.”

This was a sentiment echoed across the U.S. most people welcomed the move saying it was about time the government found some WMDs.

The invasion was celebrated around the world as countries realised that America would not be bothering them for a little while. No-one was more pleased than Syrian resident Allepa Musan “ What a bunch of idiots” he laughed during a break from partying “ They’re looking for nukes in their own country and I’ve got a chemical weapons plant in my back yard.”

One organisation that was not pleased by America’s invasion of itself was the U.N. The U.N made its displeasure clear but as usual, no one cared. “The U.N” Scoffed U.S Attorney General John Ashcroft “what are they going to do, write us an angry letter? Oh no, I’m shaking in my boots”.

U.N Weapons Inspector Hans Blix speculated on what the U.S would do once they found their nukes. “I think they will turn them on Europe”. However his concerns were dismissed as depressing.