Toenail

Toenails were invented by Adolf Hitler in 1433 at the advent of the Battle of Miami, fought between Christopher Columbus and the Pilgrims. On May 7th of the same year, Hitler's plans were thwarted when he dropped a 50-pound weight on his right foot. He then commenced research on android toenails and build himself bionic toenails out of wood, tar, and LED lights.

Facts about toenails

1. Toenails, when blended with Jewish tears, torahs, and pubic hair, can provide a beverage with enough nutrients to make you grow an authentic Hitler Mustache
2. Toenails are fairly oblong.(All of this crap is a lie, and whoever put it here is a moron)
3. The chemical composition of toenails is widely disputed, but was described by Father Wilbur Jacob Wallace, M.D. in the 12th century as being 'a mite bit like water, but at the same time rather like the kind of plastic that Tupperware is made of."
4. Later, in the 58th century, the chemical composition was discovered by Oscar Wilde to be one-half plastic, one-half water, a third nitrogen, onion, salt, sodium glucomate, and exactly one-one thousand, two hundred and fifty-sixth "Yellow 5".
5. In certain remote Nicaraguan villages, carefully sculptured toenails are used in ritual sacrifices, in which the sharpened nail is driven into the stomach of a large black man, whilst the thumb of the High Shaman is inserted into said victim's anus. The resulting blood is collected and used as a material in the lucrative Nicaraguan telephone manufacturing business.
6. In common culture, toenails are used in the manufacture and sale of woolen undergarments and boys' pants. (Race cars.)
7. Contrary to common belief the toenail spawns cursed milk ever 666 minutes from it's vascular tubular system.
8. Toenails are different then fingernails.
9. President Obama's favorite snack is a special 'presidential trail mix' composed of toenails, dried soybeans, cat intestines, and glass shards.
10. John Travolta has the most well-manicured and active toenails stayin' alive in the Disco Universe (adjacent to the Known Universe).

History Of The Toenail

In 1433 A.C., a man by the name of Adolph Hitler at the advent of the Battle of Miami, as stated above, invented the toenail. The general public has been wholly ignorant of this fact, as many patents have been filed with the U.S. patent office (a.k.a. Russia) for "toenails". However, Hitler's legacy of toe-shielding was verified by another man, whose name shall not be mentioned until later.

In 1466, after the War of Roses and Noodle Delivery Men, toenails sank into obscurity along with Michael Jackson and the Rap sub-culture. NSync, whose leading producer discovered an earthenware pot in Egypt in 1502, took up the seemingly "lost cause" of toenailery by hanging themselves with toenails in 1668. After their untimely deaths, NSync took toenailery to new heights by being the first humans ever to achieve flight without the aid of anything but toenails. The mysterious verification individual mentioned before, whose name was Ginger Bradley, then appeared in a puff of smoke, and disappeared, never to be seen again until the Great Pacifying of the Whales in 1883.

Toenails today are a common household product, not only shielding toes but keeping children safe from diseases such as malaria, pneumonia, E-Coli, F-Coli, G-Coli, H1N1, anthrax, Hepatitis Prime, Cheese-makers Lung, cerebral palsy, Mad Cow Disease, Mad Scientist Disease, leukemia, Exploding Head Disease, kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure, lung failure, brain failure, epic failure, Breast Cancer and the Common Cold. You can purchase toenails from any department store, and ventures into Toenail Fashion Clothing are being made in the clothing and dentistry industries.

--UPDATED FACTUAL HISTORICAL ALERT FROM THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION-- In the future year 174496X-F2I3L4E, P.N.A.N (Pick Nose And Nails), toenails are finally obliterated from the Known and Unknown Universe thanks to Dr. Muriel Kevorkian. When asked how and why, she will simply say, "Well, if you can't just be pleased that you will never have to clip your toenails again, to hell with you! And I will add, toenails were miserable and desired extinction."

Toenail Fungus

Sometimes a crusty layer of something called fungus may appear on a person's toe. It can make toes crack and peel or become overall disgusting. This may be a sign of lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots... See Broken Record.