Tighten A.E.

Tighten A.E., is the name of the last great struggle between traditional hand-drawn animation, and cold, souless computer generations, with the "A.E." standing for "Animation Extinction". The war lasted from 2000 to 3028, causing casualties by the millions on both sides, until they finally reached an uneasy agreement to co-exist peacefully.

First Slaughter

Judge Drej, the scourge of many a animation.

The computer generations came down on the animations without warning or mercy. Under the bloodthirsty general Shrek, the CG forces launched their Toy Story campaign, crushing animation strongholds such as Atlantis and ElDorado. But some hope remained for the brave animated fighters, since key leaders like Sinbad, Brother Bear, and the Prince of Egypt eluded capture. Frusterated with such resistance, the CG army launched its ultimate weapon: the Drej, horrible sadistic monsters made of pure, computer generated energy.

The Drej hordes struck hard and fast, destroying the animated homeworld of Treasure Planet and scattering the surviving animations to the four winds. Many of the animations evolved into highly detailed anime, whil others devolved into cheap Flash cartoons. Others still, became adult oriented cartoons, an area that the CG forces were unable to make a foothold in since their failed Tripping the Rift campaign. But without a home planet, the weakened, un unified animations would gradually die out in such sordid, menial occupations.

A New Hope

But all was not lost for the animations, for prior to Treasure Planet's destruction, Walt Disney built and hid a magic, planet-creating space ship. Disney named this ship the "Tighten", after his tight-assed approach to cartoon censorship, but most idiot historians mispelled it as "Titan". Before dying, Disney tatooed a map to the hand of his seceret bastard son Cale.

For 15 years Cale labored as a window washer, suffering through ketchup shortages, until he hatched a crackpot scheme to save the galaxy and become a hero, getting all the ketchup he wanted. A simpler solution would have been to get arrested and go to jail, where they served ketchup at the cafeteria, but members of the Disney brood are not noted for their common sense.

And so, Cale gathered a crew consisting of Psylocke, Captain Falcon, Nathan Lane, Goon, and Sith, and the brave adventurers flew off to the planet of Batmens. The Batmens taught Cale how to decipher the map on his hand, shortly before a surprise attack from the Drej. The Drej manage to capture Cale and Psylocke, and read Cale's map to the Tighten, intending to destroy it. The Drej then sell Psylock to sex slavers for gas money, but Psylocke beats up the sex slavers, while Cale heroically escapes the Drej before they both get picked up by their crew. Aroused by their powers of kickass, Cale and Psylocke start a hot, one-dimensional romance. Captain Falcon and Nathan Lane get jealous of Cale's ability with women, and so betrayed the rest of the crew to the Drej.

cale leads his remaining friends in arace across ice asteroids to get to the Tighten. In the bloody Battle Royale, Goon asplodes but comes back, Nathan Lane gets killed for bein a fat, obnoxious jerk, and Captain Falcon gets a randomly convieniant change of heart. Together, Cale and Falcon beat the Drej and use their energy bodies to power up the Tighten. When the Tighten finished creating the new planet, Cale solemnly named it "Bob". He could have went with Bill or Ted, but planets need to have serious names.

Ascention to Peace

With a homeworld to take root in, the animations reached a fresh new era of economic prosperity and spiritual enlightenment. The computer generated forces on the other hand, ceased winning easy victories without the Drej, and a sense of despair fell over their troop masses. Some thought theywerebeing hoodwinked, while others felt they living "a bug's life, waiting to be squished at any moment". Such gloomy dispositions even worked their way up to the commanding officers. General Shrek was over-worked, General Nemo went missing, General Wall-E was too busy cleaning up other people's messes, and General Megamind was terrified, shaking in his custom-made baby seal rubber boots. The CG nation was having economic troubles as well; Monsters Inc. couldn't provide enough energy for their army's increasing demands, even with the new energy source of laughter.

Pressured by such problems, the CG Prime Minister Kung Fu Panda overthrew his war mongering tyrant Mr. Incredible, and signed a peace treaty with the Frog Princess, ending centuries of senseless violence.

References in Pop Culture

Dark Horse really will do anything for money.

The war was reverently honored in the fully animated hit movie Titan A.E., the clumsy mispelling due to idiot historians' fumble. Nevertheless, the film was a huge commercial success, earning billions at the box office. Other pop-culture references to the Tighten A.E. conflict include:

• Tighten Up, a song written by the Black Keyes, honoring the war.

• Remember the Titans, a negatively received, instantly forgettable live action documentary of the Tighten A.E.

• A brand of underwear called "Tightey Whiteies", inspired by the famous underwear shortages during the Tighten A.E. war.

• In Megamind's autobiography, he speaks of a devastatingly powerful villain named "Tighten", an obvious allusion to the Tighten A.E. war, which he had a hand in.