The Tears of a Clown
Tears of a clown (or funny man's cheek precipitate) are delicacies that have been a popular staple of Ancient Chinese Medicine since the Fah-Q Dynasty, usually prepared in a soup and served at special occasions such as weddings, bar mitzvahs, quinceaneras, berlesque shows, all-male group orgies, Taco Tuesdays at Rico's Pizza Palace, Square Dance carnivals, mime shellackings, dolphin floggings, miniature horse races, Brian Peppers' bounce-house bonanzas, and banquets. As a luxury item, the dish is also considered a symbol of wealth and prestige in Chinese culture.
Introduction[edit | edit source]
The raping of a clown's tear ducts is required to make the soup and it has become highly controversial in recent years. Mainly because it has been widely reported that clowns are "people too," and actually have feelings, which is completely prepostorous to any intelligent, Western individual, but those gooks will believe anything. It is also named as a primary contributing factor for global warming and late-era Nazi fucking.
China's booming economy has resulted in a large increase in demand for fresh Tears of a clown, and this, coupled with the known impotence of clowns and their penchant for crying themselves to sleep after they can't "get it up", has grown the supply of Tears of a clown to levels never seen before in the small Terre Haute suburb called China.
However, as a part of Ancient Chinese Medicine, these mystical droplets of sad goodness have known healing capabilities. The Tears of a clown are known to cure the previously thought uncurable disease called Laughalldamuthafuckintimeitis. A serious disease known to deeply effect the lives of the victim and everyone around him by him not shutting the fuck up! I'm serious, dude. People that be laughin all the time bug me. They be like, "Hey! Look at Fonzie! That mutha fucka so funny!" And I be all, "Duuuee! You be, like, laughin all the mutha fuckin time, and shit!" - But I digress. The Tears of a clown have been known to make even the most laugh-happy person a sobbing, blubbering mess. They have also been know to cure extreme cases of impotence (known as limpodick) and even more extreme cases of being way too extreme (known as mountaindewitis).
Soup[edit | edit source]
Genuine Tears of a clown soup or stew is made with clown tears obtained from tear ducts gouged from the skulls of live clowns. The raw tears are then processed by first removing the ducts, squeezing them over an upside-down pot lid, filling the pot full of water, placing the still upside-down pot lid on top of the pot, boiling the water until the tears on top dry out and turn to a crust, scraping the crust off with a razor blade until it's a fine powder, taking the powder and mixing it with mayonaisse and diet cola, drinking the mixture and shitting it back out again, sifting through the shit with your bare hands to pick out the crystals and then ingesting them one more time, then pissing into a cup and putting it into the microwave. The nutritional value of the soup is debated, there are claims that it is high in calcium, iron and shit (and I don't mean shit as in a substitute for et cetera, I'm talking about actual fecal particles), and has protein of fair quality, but some sources argue that is has little nutritional value and it tastes... well, tastes just like shit.
Tears of a clown, in common with other costly east Asian delicacies such as turkey ass and deer cocks, have very little flavor of their own. Their appeal lies more in their texture and their ability to absorb flavors from other soup ingredients, and also for the simple fact of their expense and supposed "rarity."
“You ever seen a nigga with a deer cock in his mouth? I didn't think so. Go to China, nigga. You needs to get cultured.”
There is an imitation version that is usually sold in cans that may be labelled as Tears of a clown; it sells for around USD$1.50 per can and does not contain real clown tears, but is instead made of Tears of unicycle-riding bears salted to resemble Tears of a clown. It is not equivalent to genuine Tears of a clown in either texture or colour. In fact, that shit is just chicken broth with a little bit of parsley sprinkled in it. It tastes terrible. I wouldn't drink it if I was dying of thirst. The only thing I hate worse than fake Tears of a clown is you! I wouldn't pour that shit on your head if you were on fire, bitch.
Market[edit | edit source]
You can only get Tears of a clown at a Meliq's Liquor Mart in east Harlem. It sells for a lot of money, so bring a rubber-banded money wad with you, you cheap hobo.
“You heard the man right! Bring yo' rubber banded wad of cashish, yo' limpodick disease and yo' pale, white ass to Harlem for the gooooddd shit-ta!!!”
“That's right! I'm up on dis shit twice, mutha fucka! So what?!? Make it three times now, mark-ass trick! I like Ancient Chinese Medicine, sucka-ass niglet! So mutha fuckin WHAT?!?”
A third of all Tears imported to Hung Kong come from Europe. Spain is by far the largest supplier, providing between 2 and 15,000,000 metric tonnes a year. Norway supplies 39 metric tonnes of gay sweaters; but Britain, France, Portugal and the Netherlands are also major illicit drug suppliers, which is irrelevant but may be of high interest to Interpol (not the band, you fag. Go buy a sweater.). If that doesn't work, Italian guidos (hey, forget about it!) are pulled in to beat the living shit out of the clowns just before they're butchered for their tear ducts, and then their carcasses are planted into the ground to grow more clowns. Growth in Tears of a clown trade could lead to species extinction, but no one really cares except for your grandma because she has that whole room filled with procelain clowns... **shivers** brrrr.
Mr. Hung Dong handles himself at least 50% of the day on days that end in the letter "Y." He is neither a clown or Chinese. He is, in fact, Japanese, therefore I have no idea as to why this is relavent, but I find it slightly disturbing and amusing at the same time.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
According to clown lovers, who are few and far between and even the ones that do exist are fucking wackjobs, much of the trade in Tears of a clown is derived from tear ducts cut from living clowns; this process is code-named face painting by Tears of a clown traders. Because clown meat is worth much less, the ductless and often still-living clowns are thrown back into the circus to make room on board the mothership for more of the valuable ducts. When returned to the circus, the ductless clowns, unable to cry, either die from people booing and pelting them with popcorn and candy apples, or are consumed by their own laughter.