The Stork
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 | I'll bet you $5 that this is a stub. I bet you can't make it better, but you could try. |
In Western culture The Stork is used to divert talk about childbirth, though many believe this to be a false statement. The Stork is actually the American demi‑god of childbirth and as such delivers those in need of children upon lavish payment. Those wishing to get in touch The Stork must contact Vlasic™, yet his services are now terminated in the fields of childbirth.
Origins[edit | edit source]
- It is widely known that The Stork was created by Raptor Chet IV (supreme Raptor King/Sorcerer) in order to supply carnivorous dinosaurs with a fresh supply of baby storks which would later be used for breeding and feeding purposes. Though there are many other speculations on how The Stork came to be. The Stork did not however start out as he looks today – over millions of years he has morphed into the bird-like figure we know now. The changes can be observed below.
- Jurassic Period (208 million years ago)
- The pure unadulterated teen-aged version of The Stork. This version wielded state of the art Big Claws™, a T‑Rex hide jacket, a slick hairdo and a long-ass beak. The reason for such high-tech weapons was the fear of herbivores who would also want to eat the baby storks. This version also had a bad boy demeanor that got him a lot of chicks but got him in trouble with the principal.
- Cretaceous period (144 million years ago)
- This fancy more refined bird had decided to build upon his commodity and create an industry bent on becoming the largest poultry-dinosaur distribution center in the world. Essentially hellbent on creating such an empire The Stork singlehandedly researched and developed a line of primal chicken and turkey species, both of which went on to evolve into the species we know today. Over the next hundred million years or so The Stork's knowledge of business grew as well as his range of customers.
- Homo Sapien development (250,000 years ago)
- This highly developed new version of The Stork took advantage of the new intelligent creatures and attempted to bargain with them for his services, and he pestered them every day about his products (thus receiving the nickname "Tom", short for "'Tom'orrow I'm gunna punch that guys lights out"). They humbly refused the poultry offer and for a while The Stork could not develop a marketing deal with the humans. Eventually The Stork started to observe the birthing, sexual and other habits of the humans to better understand their culture. (Not only did he discover a plan, he also birthed the idea of "peeping Tom".) The Stork eventually accomplished what he had sought and created the baby delivery service. The humans agreed and The Stork started to deliver many babies with his new sleek slip streamed look.
The Stork of A.D.[edit | edit source]
- Today The Stork has a large hold on the population whether it be commercial or mythological. The Stork of today is an iconic bird that has shaped the present and future for the better on its journey through A.D. (Anno Domini).
The First 1000 Years[edit | edit source]
- In his first 1000 years of A.D., The Stork brought many influential figures to life on Earth, to wit Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, Dracula, Spock and Shamu – just to name a few. The Stork also funded the development of important high-tech essentials: swords, shields, arrows, rocks, wood, swords, pikes, short swords, long swords, lances, catapults and, last but not least, the Black Plague.
The Second 1000 Years[edit | edit source]
- The second 1000 years is arguably the time where most humans walked the Earth. The Stork's business was working out perfectly and new evolved poultry were being utilized by the same humans he was selling babies to. Many influential figures were brought to life during this time as well. Many of these names can be recognized immediately: Beethoven, Mozart, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Babe Ruth, Einstein, Oprah, George W. Bush, Bill Gates ... The Stork singlehandedly populated China.
The Downfall[edit | edit source]
- During the 1920s The Stork had developed a speakeasies business in the city of New York. His obsession with alcohol only grew from there. This alcoholism continued through the end of the Second World War. The Stork went on to do drugs (mostly stimulants) in a time now referred to as the baby boom.
The Recovery[edit | edit source]
- Destined to bring his life back together The Stork invested in the pickle industry.
Little Known Facts[edit | edit source]
- The Stork delivers babies to people who can't afford butter.
- The Stork delivers babies to people that don't have the balls to make their own child.