The Road

This is a road. Where it goes, nobody knows.

“It's like a pavement...for cars!”

~ Captain Obvious on the road

“I crossed this motherfucker.”

~ the Chicken on the road

The road was originally created as a way to link the various different branches of Little Chef, and to reduce the number of people getting run over by cars driving on the pavement, as there was nowhere else to drive. However, the concept soon caught on, and was also used to link together branches of McDonalds.

Users of the Road

There are many different types of users of the road, the most common types being cars, and escaped leopards.

Other Visitors to the Road

The Road is also a place where Viggo Mortensen likes to raise his children whilst being chased by cannibals and suffering from an unidentified illness. Hurray for post-apocaliptic America!!!!!!

Cars

Cars were invented by a fat man, when he accidentally attached the motor from his Automatic back and arse scratcher to his recliner. The resultant machine drove through a nearby wall, killing the fat man instantly. Upon the arrival of the paramedics, they discovered the motorised chair, and suggested to the government as a way to bring down the obesity numbers in the country. After a trial year, the government finally realised that it might be put to better uses as a mode of transport, and hence the car was born.

Lorries

Like cars, but with boxes on the back.

Horses

Horses are bastards. They shouldn't be on the road, but they have some powerful friends in Westminster, and it is considered illegal to shoot them, even though they get scared at the sight of a plastic bag in a tree, or there own reflection in a puddle. Don't ask us why.

Bikes

There are three different types of bike.

Bicycle

Bicycles were invented when someone inadvertently drove their motorised chair through a buzz saw, and was sawn in half. The result was a two wheeled object, with no motor or engine of any sort. Since this incident, bikes have been developed slightly, and can now be powered by a strange man dressed in latex.

Scooters

Scooters are driven by trendy, hip types in shorts and t-shirts. The drivers of scooters are prone to shaving their legs, saying that it makes it easier to apply a plaster if they fall off, but it's really cause they just like the way it feels. Come on, admit it, you smooth skinned poof.

Motorbikes

Motorbikes are big, noisy, polluting machines, and the essence of tough. The appropriate dress for driving a motorbike is leathers which make you look like a slightly camp Power Ranger.

Crossings

Crossings are the mutual land between roads and pavements. Only two types of pavement users use crossings: pedestrians and chickens. There are rules for both cars and pavement users concerning crossings:

Rules for Walkers

• Always wait until told to cross. Unless you think you can get away with it.
• If the green man is blinking, it means you mustn't cross unless you have already started. However, if an old lady has already began to cross, go for it. Go on, she'll be your buffer.

Rules for Drivers

• Do not run over the people crossing.
• Do not cross unless the red man is showing. Not following this rule will put you at risk of being called an "arsehole" by the pedestrians waiting to cross.

Types of Crossings

Zebra Crossing

Zebra crossings are homes stare offs between pedestrians and cars. Cars must give way to pedestrians, but pedestrians must wait at the kerb. It is unwritten law that one of the two sides will not follow the rules. Occasionally, neither side will follow the rules, and the driver will be arrested, even though the pedestrian walked out right in front of the car, and deserves to be a lump of stuff that looks like jam, but doesn't taste as nice.

Pelican Crossings

Pelican Crossings are road Nazis. Disobedience will be punished. Obey the green man. The beeping noise the man makes when he turns green, when reversed, made 70 octaves lower, sped up, and rearranged into an apparently random order, it will play "Hail the Fuhrer"

Puffin Crossings

Puffin Crossings are like Pelican Crossings, but they offer a button. The button doesn't do anything, it just gives the bored pedestrians something to do.

Toucan Crossings

No, they don't exist. But we wish they did.

Pegasus Crossings

Horses get their own crossings now.

Equestrian Crossings

These DO exist, but no one has ever seen them. They are probably just part of some expenses scheme. "We need some money for some, erm...EQUESTRIAN CROSSINGS! Yep, that's it! Actually, could you make that check payable to me?"