The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, not to be confused with 'the 'anging babies in next door's garden' or 'I think them next door are inbreds', are a much revered and romanticised figment of someone's imagination. The idea of a Babylonian king building a giant theatre filled with a dazzling array of flowers and plants; just to please his sick wife is quite frankly, insulting. This bewildered royal surely could have considered the much less expensive options of "making her better" or simply "kill the bitch".


The Seven Ancient Wonderful Ways Of Dispatching A Babylonian Queen[edit]

  1. Suffocate her with leaves from a large Begonia.
  2. Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from her quarters for a bear to follow.
  3. During intercourse, bite her on the ear a tad too hard then let her to bleed to death.
  4. Make her attend a three-hour seminar on waffles.
  5. Criticise her "pigeon tits" daily until she succumbs to depression and takes her own life.
  6. Gradually heat up her bath water until it reaches boiling point.
  7. Eat her head.


Few people are aware that the derogatory use of the word 'hanging', referring to a person who is particularly ugly or sexually unattractive, actually originated in Babylonia. The word was used to describe a family of Horticulturalists in Babylon who were descended from an illicit crossing between an acne-scarred 16 year old Babylonian male and a particularly attractive can of tuna. The resulting offspring spawned a race of Gardeners so horrifying in appearance; they were commonly mistaken for 'scousers'. Whenever they ventured away from their native lands passers by would often remark "Look, its those 'anging gardeners from Babylon!". The myth was born.

This explanation has been condemned by many historians as to its authenticity. I put it to them. In my life time I have seen many a sexually unattractive gardener and not once have I come across a mythical garden built by an imaginary Babylonian King for his equally imaginary sick wife.



The vanishing of these magnificent gardens has been the subject of many different wild thoughts. Here is a list of some of the more likely explanations for this sudden disappearance;

  • Earthquakes
  • Drought
  • Cows ate it
  • Alien Abduction
  • Ice age
  • The "Abolition of Plant Food" Act of 517BC
  • Someone nicked it
  • Nuclear testing
  • For no reason whatsoever
  • Epidemic
  • It was made out of water

However, the main theory put forward by renowned Paleobotanist Dr Stephen Forskintle of Cambridge University is the most probable;

"The fucking thing never existed."