The Great Alcoholic Pigeon

“Is it a bird?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Is it a plane?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Oh right it is actually a bird”

~ Oscar Wilde

The Great Alcoholic Pigeon seen here attacking the Pope

The Great Alcoholic Pigeon refers to the bird/man-child involved in the "Great Alcoholic Pigeon Scandal of 1953."

The Pigeon

The Alcoholic Pigeon was born in Santa Monica,CA to a Crack Addicted Pigeon Mother and a Chain Smoking Mule Father. Soon after birth the Chain Smoking Mule Father left the Crack Addicted Pigeon Mother with the baby Alcoholic Pigeon. This had an adverse affect on the Alcoholic Pigeon and soon after birth he started drinking which eventually led on to his arrest for drink driving and flashing his genitals at passersby in Mallaig. This had all happened within ten minutes of his birth. To this day docters confirm it is impossible for a child to learn to drive car within ten minutes of its birth and get drunk.

The Great Alcoholic Pigeon in all his glory

When the Alcoholic Pigeon grew up he was forced to go to the Priory Rehab Clinic in London. To this he said "No, No, NO" thus inspiring a nearby Amy Winehouse to write her hit single "Agadoo". After this debacle the Alcoholic Pigeon continued to drink heavily and he kept active in his hobby of genitalia waving.

The Scandal

After a drunken night out with friends the Alcoholic Pigeon successfully invented time travel for the third time and he decided he would go back to the year of 1953 as it seemed like a good idea at the time. Because of this happening the space/time continuoum was disrupted and the Alcoholic Pigeon is now permanently stuck in a time warp believing he is actually from the year 3719.

The Great Alcoholic Pigeon Scandal took place in 1953 in Chicago,Il. The Alcoholic Pigeon entered the John Hancock Centre in downtown Chicago, walked up to the guard on duty and said to him "The food at your top floor restaurant is less than addequite". The guard responded by calling the Pigeon a vicious rascist and called upon the Chicago S.W.A.T department which consisted of one small 67 year old one-legged Irishman named O'Brien. He arrived and began opening fire on the Pigeon wounding him greatly.

Suffering great injuries, he fled the scene. After this inncident there was no word of the Great Alcoholic Pigeon. Some thought he was dead, few never believed in him in the first place, all think paris hilton is a slut (off topic but still very important), but the remaining people still think he is out there, healing his wounds with the famous Dr Tran. Local police went to storm Dr Trans abode neglecting the fact he has a PHD in "KICKING YOUR ASS!", following this mistake 100,000 people died (many of natural causes and were not involved in the fight) one survivor was quoted "My hover craft is full of eel's", hard to hear and quite upsetting but this is the horror they faced.

One year on from the crime, the Great Alcoholic Pigeon decided to take revenge on the guard that shot him. He walked right up the the guard, took his bacon roll, and said "this roll is less than addequite". once again the guard responded by calling the Pigeon a vicious rascist and called upon the Chicago S.W.A.T department, realising he was stuck in a time loop, he put up no fight and fled.

Aftermath

After the scandal he fled and rested. Then he went to the shops to get some milk.

Trivia

• The Alcoholic Pigeon is said to have fled to Mallaig in the Highlands of Scotland where he was last seen alive.
• He is said to be a fan of the rock band 30 Seconds To Mars.
• The Alcoholic Pigeon is said to have inspired Bono from U2 to become a musician. This is another reason the Alcoholic Pigeon is in hiding.
• The Alcoholic Pigeon introduced John Lennon to Yoko Ono.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon hates Drumnadrochit. Actually everyone hates Drumnadrochit because it smells of shit. I don't mean that its a horrible place, it is, but it actually smells of shit, it really does.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon likes to knit sweaters as a relaxation exercise. By knit we mean punch and by sweaters we mean babies.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon is drunk.
• He cannot spell Misisipi, wait no Missqute, shit, Missdaedh, oh fuck it.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon wants to be on you.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon is kind of a big deal.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon once ate himself,shat himself back out and was still ready for seconds.
• He has had your mum, twice!!
• The Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles is actually a documentary. The Great Alcoholic Pigeon once swallowed a turtle whole and when he shat it out it was six foot tall, could speak and knew karate. This feat is often attributed to Chuck Norris but that is untrue.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon can kill you in 37 different languages.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon knows about Halifax, Nova Scotia.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon likes to mention the war to Germans.
• The Great Alcoholic Pigeon is the only know equal of The Pwaffle