The English School, Nicosia
| The English School Το Ίνγλις Σκούλ (Greek) İngliş Skuul (Turkish) | |
| Location | |
|---|---|
| Nicosia, Cyprus | |
| Information | |
| Type | |
| Motto | Non Sibi Sed Hu |
| Established | 1900 BC |
| Founder | Legend David Bowie |
| Headteacher | Liam Neeson |
| Teaching staff | 5, maybe more, maybe less, but it's probably 5 |
| Enrollment | 1234 (420 Boys, the rest are probably Girls) |
| Houses | Wolverine Chicken Fried Bacon |
| School Colour(s) |
|
| Website | www.englishschool.ac.cy |
The English School, Nicosia is a racist (although the official terminology used is "selective") secondary school in Nicosia, Cyprus. It has a rigorous selection process for admittance where candidates test scores are multiplied by their "meso" counter to determine their final grade. If a candidate still doesn’t pass, they have the option to appeal, whereby their test score is multiplied by their wealth level instead. It is one of the secondary schools in Nicosia designated for the bi-communal experiment, authorised by God himself, reminiscent of the Philadelphia experiment, with both Greek and Turkish Cypriots being brainwashed educated at the school.
History[edit | edit source]
The school was founded in 1900 BC by an Englezoui, David Bowie and since its rise, the school has offered a Non-Cypriot-style secondary level education.
Although previously a place for Asian parents to exile their children (i.e. a boarding school), it currently operates as a place for Cypriot parents to keep their children until Giagia wakes up to feed them (day school).
Intercommunal history[edit | edit source]
The school has long upheld a “zero-tolerance against bullying” policy, which of course, to comply with Cypriot law, excludes gypsies, Albanians, people who can't grow a moustache and other racial minorities. The term racial minority includes everyone whose legal birth name is not: Andreas, Giorgos, Kostas, Christos, Takkis, Maria, Eleni, Maria-eleni, Anna, Anna-maria, Androula, Georgia or Panagiota. Statistically, that is only 0.000000000000001% of Cypriot citizens.
Historically, the school has been a leader in this bi-communal experiment with initiatives such as "under the same guillotine" whereby the older-year students of the school convey messages of friendship to the younger students of other ethnicities. The methods in which these messages of friendship are delivered include being beaten with tree branches, Canteen turopites and other assorted goods.
The school has banned students from bringing any flags onto the campus, as flags were the main cause of the Cyprus problem in the first place. The rule was first introduced when Turkish Cypriot students tried to cross the border with the Pentadaktilos mountain range in the back of a diplokambino.
Curriculum[edit | edit source]
The school has over 16 trillion departments, most notable of which being the following:
- Art and Design (see below)
- Biology (see below)
- Chemistry (see below)
- Computer Science (see below)
- Design & Technology (see below)
- Economics (see below)
- English (see below)
- Geography (see below)
- Greek
- History
- Mathematics
- Modern Languages (see below)
- Music (see below)
- Physical Education (see below)
- Physics (see below)
- Turkish (see even more below)
A Religious Instruction department also exists, and classes are compulsory. Anyone not found in class will either be shot on sight or may request a parlay under the pirate code. Historically, under a parley request, the student will face trial by combat against the headteacher Liam Neeson.
The school has recently instituted a controversial unanimously praised law stating that an exact number of prisoners (also referred to as "students") are needed for a class to be formed. The number of students needing to declare interest in a course is three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou teacher shalt count while taking the register, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then thy teacher shall finish thy register and shall start thy lesson.
The school has also recently reformed their educational curriculum deeming the following A-Level courses “non-essential” and as such no longer being offered by the school:
- Art and Design
- Biology
- Chemistry
- Computer Science
- Design & Technology
- Economics
- English
- Geography
- Modern Languages
- Music
- Spanish
- French
- Physical Education
- Physics
- Turkish
The school is world-renowned for its world-class preparation of students into numerous fields of work. Those who like maths can become engineers, those who like science can become doctors and those who accidentally picked a humanity at A level can become lawyers. The more creative students are encouraged to study Accounting and can later find jobs in the School's financial department.
Houses[edit | edit source]
The school operates a house system like many other prisons. Pupils are randomly placed in one of four houses. These houses are Wolverine, Expired Ham, Chicken Fried Bacon and Kitchen Cleaners. This system serves to mirror the way the imperialist British divided the Greek and Turkish Cypriots, each house has associated colours.
| House | Colours | |
|---|---|---|
| Chicken Fried Bacon | Yellow | |
| Kitchen Cleaners | Dark blue | |
| Expired Ham | Sky Blue | |
| Wolverine | Red | |
Notable Alumni[edit | edit source]
The highly prestigious list of alumni from the English School include:
- Several fascists
- a communist
- three dogs
- katos Eschool
- and my Papou