The Battle of Schrute Farms
| Battle of Schrute Farms | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Conflict: The War of American Slavery | |
| Date: July 1, 1863 'til July 3, 2006 (When Gettysburg happened) | |
| Place: Pennsylvania | |
| Outcome: Undecided failure | |
| Combatants | |
| The Schrute Family | King Cyrus' army |
| Commanders | |
| Dwight Schrute | Robert E Lee |
| Strength | |
| Three beet farmers,'MOSE', and Dwight Schrute | King Cyrus himself |
| Casualties | |
| a broken finger and the loss of many beets | Some random guy got a bad haircut |
“ A true american tragedy”
The Battle of Schrute Farms is probably the most important battle in all of American history. Along with being the most Northen place in the American Civil War, the battle is significant in almost every way possible, and is a grueling reminder of the reason why beets are still Americans’ least favorite fruit. White washed history tells us that this battle was just a fake battle for conspiracists, but in reality the true story was written to make it less significant in every way possible. Images taken at the site were Photoshopped to make it all seem like a joke. For example the only photo ever taken there was edited to make the farmers look homosexual (as shown on the right).
Detailed History[edit | edit source]
In the year of our Lord 1963, five months after the battle of the falsely claimed northern most battle "Gettysburg", the battle of the Schrutes began. Starting with the DPA (Deaths Per Arce) of the battle, it was found that ten out of ten Americans who fought in the battle died of boredom in the battle. As a famous and important american once said, "DPA sounds way more important than total deaths".[1] The letters of the battle were heart wrenching. One such letter describes the rebs as "literally yanking off our arms and legs, eating our brothers and starting the tread of incest that would spread in the south"[1]. Such history is very important to states like Alabama.[1]
“I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush.”
Another letter was written to a mother of one of the brave Americans who fought on this hallowed ground. A German man wrote to his mother named Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff IV, Senior, at the battle, stating, "Dearest mother I’m sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris."[1] This gut wrenching letter was handed to the mail man the exact moment Robert E Lee took up his father's sword and smote him, which literally killed him.
Fake News[edit | edit source]
Fakes nudes of the battle are rampant in history. Such is true with the historical association of the civil war, stating that the battle was just a code word for sissys and strippers to have fun in. Compared to the underground railroad (which, by the way, is black propaganda), this battle is actually NOT this but is rather a brutel battle in the war of american slaves.[1]
Regiments in attendance[edit | edit source]
The regiments in attendance failed to raise their hands when roll call happened, so we have no idea who was there. The only man who survived the battle had dementia and forgot why he was there. Luckily, a local archeologist discovered the remnants of beets, and sold them to his mom, who died after eating it, confirming that the time period was during the Civil War.
