That time I was plundered in the ass by a Viking during my voyage to a retirement villa

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He looked kinda like this, only fucking psycho.

Dude, that thing was fucking Scandinavian. Like, WTF?

So there I was[edit | edit source]

doing my whole checking out retirement villas in Florida pretending for the umpteenth time that I was going to retire from football, right? Like, Brett Favre "Ouch! I got a splinter so I can't play, but you're still going to pay me!" crybaby shit.

And this fucking Viking[edit | edit source]

bursts out of the palm trees, musks all over the place, and instead of going after a quarterback with talent, he makes a Vikingline straight for me.

So I pulled down[edit | edit source]

my pants and said, "Give it to me, John Madden! God you're such a big daddy!" It hurt so good.

I barely got away with hundreds of angry football fanatics and a new multi-million dollar contract that pays out even if I spend every game benched because I'm faking some sort of traumatic thumb injury.

No seriously[edit | edit source]

I let my anus get plundered by a Viking!

Next time[edit | edit source]

I'll tell you about that time I sat on my ass and still made millions and how I caused the biggest environmental catastrophe in American history.