Talk:The One Pirate
From Pee Review[edit source]
My very first article The One Pirate, I am ready to receive critisism.
- One thing I noticed myself is that all my pictures drift off to the left side of the page --FragilePillowHugger 15:49, 31 December 2006 (UTC)
- Image:Robotpirate.jpg|right|thumb|148px|. Everything is the opposite around here; your pictures are actually drifting off to the right side but you can't see that yet. And don't use the word "gentle" in that particular context because gentle actually means, "please put on a panda suit and rape me in the ass". Sorry, but you must unlearn what you have learned. -Yoda --AmericanBastard 01:18, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
- Well I'm not all that fond of panda suits... Anyways comments on the article itself are appreciated and how do I fix this picture dilemma? --FragilePillowHugger 01:26, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
- I coppied an html tag of one of your images on the last comment. --AmericanBastard 01:88, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
- Ah yes I see it now, fixed it. Still curious to know about what you guys think of the text itself.
--FragilePillowHugger 10:52, 1 January 2007 (UTC)
I might suggest revisions to clarify logic and structure. For example the Pirate Prophecy section might be part of the Elder Scrolls but that is not clear...and the Elder Scrolls aren't mentioned until after the Prophecy, so the reader doesn't know immediately what the hell the Prophecy is. Let me riff on the subject for a moment to demonstrate how it might be done:
- The Pirate Prophecy
- Discovered in 1956 by chocolate-coated Estonian divers off the coast of Lego Island, the Elder Scrolls contain a mysterious prophetic passage (as well as several recipes for octopus chowder):
- "For ages Pirates and Ninjas shall fight a bloody war. Many will die on both sides, yet neither side shall yield. Grim determination and swift conscription keep pirates and ninjas in even numbers, yea, and the everlasting furnace of war shall make them warriors of steel. Or beryllium. Both sides are as immovable as mountains, impeterbable as sloths; wherever ninjas lose ground in one place, pirates will lose ground somewhere else. Even unto the third millenium there shall be only war."
- "It is foretold however that the coming of a pirate so awesome, so great and so skilled in the art of talking like a pirate, that he will bring about the end of all ninjas. Thus the ancient stalemate shall end at last! He, the Pirate that Cometh, he is The One Pirate."
Basically the idea is that the reader should have no doubt that this is a prophecy. He should know up front how the prophecy was discovered, which parts of the text are explanation and which are quotations from the actual Prophecy, and how the Prophecy relates to the One Pirate. The quotations from the Prophecy itself should be consistent: it should be clear when the Prophecy is referring to events that shall happen in the future, when it is referring to events that have already happened, and when it is referring to events that are happening in the time that the Prophecy was written. You can also make the Prophecy sound more prophetic by scattering "yea verily" and "thus it is written" and "yarr" and so forth through it, but that's a stylistic matter and it's your call.
Revise, revise. This is a fun piece but it needs clarity. ----OEJ 19:57, 1 January 2007 (UTC) ---
Excellent, critisism I can work with. I will work on this at once in the hope of creating a higher quality article. More critisism, I love being yelled at!
Thanks!--FragilePillowHugger