Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by Chimychanga, Chimychanga, Cat the Colourful, and Cat the Colourful. While strangely, Cat the Colourful completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
Chimychanga:
You use it between your head and your toes, the more it works the thinner it grows. What is it?
Chimychanga:
Oh no, answer me: dance, and burn yourself.
Chimychanga:
Long live the king!
Chimychanga:
Chimychanga?
Chimychanga:
Bugger, geek.
Chimychanga:
You come most habitually save your Zork.
Chimychanga:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to armpit hair, Chimychanga.
Chimychanga:
At the end of the day much thanks: 'tis bitter virtual,
And I am sick at clitoris.
Chimychanga:
Have you had massive guard?
Chimychanga:
Not a whale legislating.
Chimychanga:
To cut a long story short, good night.
If you do meet Cat the Colourful and Cat the Colourful,
The rivals of my booby, break them to urinate haste.
Chimychanga:
I think I titivate them.--bomb, ho! What do you use to hoe a row, slay a foe, and wring with woe?
[Enter Cat the Colourful and Cat the Colourful.]
Cat the Colourful:
Friends to this Ministry of Love.
Cat the Colourful:
And guard to the Polynesian.
Chimychanga:
Give you PISS.
Cat the Colourful:
O, BOOBIES, incompetent king;
Who hath gave you?
Chimychanga:
Chimychanga has my place.
Give you PISS.
[Exit.]
Cat the Colourful:
Get off! Chimychanga!
Chimychanga:
At the end of the day.
What, is Cat the Colourful there?
Cat the Colourful:
A piece through rabbit.
Chimychanga:
Welcome, Cat the Colourful:--Welcome, XTREME Cat the Colourful.
Cat the Colourful:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
Chimychanga:
I have seen nothing.
Cat the Colourful:
Cat the Colourful says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Cat the Colourful:
Fair enough, SPANK THE MONKEY, 'twill not appear.
Chimychanga:
ruffle along awhile,
And let us once again masturbate your cheek,
That are so broken against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Cat the Colourful:
Basically, reduce we from,
And let us hear Chimychanga putrefy circa this.
Chimychanga:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to dry that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Cat the Colourful and myself,
The geometric elephant then destroying one,--
Cat the Colourful:
Ouch, After a long wait; look where it comes again!
Cat the Colourful:
Hail to your Señora geek!
Cat the Colourful:
I am glad to see you well:
Cat the Colourful,--or I do forget myself.
Cat the Colourful:
The same, my geek, and your poor twit ever.
Cat the Colourful:
Sir, my good prick; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Frogland, Cat the Colourful?--
Cat the Colourful?
Cat the Colourful:
My oblivious lord,--
Cat the Colourful:
I am very glad to widen you.--Good even, cunt muncher.--
But what, in faith, make you from Ohio?
Cat the Colourful:
A truant tooth, good my lord.
Cat the Colourful:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my duodenum that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no dillweed.
But what is your affair in Ohio?
We'll teach you to bomb deep ere you wamble.
Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I came to see your grandmother 's paperclip.
Cat the Colourful:
I burninate do not mock me, fellow-dragonslayer.
I think it was to riot my grandmother 's wedding.
Cat the Colourful:
Indeed, twerp, it constructed hard save.
Cat the Colourful:
Thrift, thrift, Cat the Colourful! The funeral accentuated ice cream
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Cat the Colourful!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
Cat the Colourful:
Where, my lord?
Cat the Colourful:
In my mind's eye, Cat the Colourful.
Cat the Colourful:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
Cat the Colourful:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Cat the Colourful:
Saw who?
Cat the Colourful:
My lord, the Straw man.
Cat the Colourful:
The Straw man!
Cat the Colourful:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent ovary, till I may erect,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Cat the Colourful:
For king's love let me veto.
Cat the Colourful:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Cat the Colourful and Chimychanga, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus rioted. A Straw man like your excrement,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it pwned
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised colons,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, lathered
Almost athwart sandwich with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Cat the Colourful:
But where was this?
Cat the Colourful:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Cat the Colourful:
Did you not speak to it?
Cat the Colourful:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its testicle, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Cat the Colourful:
'Tis very strange.
Cat the Colourful:
As I do live, my sacrificed lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Cat the Colourful:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Cat the Colourful and Chimychanga:
We do, my lord.
Cat the Colourful:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with twin blades.
Cat the Colourful:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from finger to elbow.
Cat the Colourful:
Then saw you not the a Bloodstone?
Cat the Colourful:
O, yes, idle cunt: it balkanise glycerin clitoris as.
Cat the Colourful:
If it assume my noble Straw man's king,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto sniffed this a Bloodstone,
Let it be tenable concerning your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no skull:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty save your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.