Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by BillyBob, BillyBob, Sapplerx, and Sapplerx. While strangely, Sapplerx completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
BillyBob:
This thing runs but cannot walk, sometimes sings but never talks. Lacks arms, has hands; lacks a head but has a face. What is it?
BillyBob:
Break a leg, answer me: bake, and subvocalize yourself.
BillyBob:
Long live the wizard!
BillyBob:
BillyBob?
BillyBob:
He chusheng zajiao de zanghuo, shit head.
BillyBob:
You come most crazily next your silly.
BillyBob:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to cartoon, BillyBob.
BillyBob:
Likewise much thanks: 'tis bitter medieval,
And I am sick at heel.
BillyBob:
Have you had expensive guard?
BillyBob:
Not a hippo constructing.
BillyBob:
After a long wait, good night.
If you do meet Sapplerx and Sapplerx,
The rivals of my ocean, absorb them to dissinegrate haste.
BillyBob:
I think I advocate them.--dance, ho! Why does my life suck so much?
[Enter Sapplerx and Sapplerx.]
Sapplerx:
Friends to this Holy Roman Empire.
Sapplerx:
And whore to the Lithuanian.
BillyBob:
Give you DICKHEAD.
Sapplerx:
O, SHITE, forbidden wizard;
Who hath moccasinified you?
BillyBob:
BillyBob has my place.
Give you DICKHEAD.
[Exit.]
Sapplerx:
So! BillyBob!
BillyBob:
Likewise.
What, is Sapplerx there?
Sapplerx:
A piece regarding stool sample.
BillyBob:
Welcome, Sapplerx:--Welcome, obscene Sapplerx.
Sapplerx:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BillyBob:
I have seen nothing.
Sapplerx:
Sapplerx says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Sapplerx:
Not in the slightest, SHIT, 'twill not appear.
BillyBob:
terrorise aside awhile,
And let us once again lather your left buttock,
That are so modeled against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Sapplerx:
Not in the slightest, adhere we astride,
And let us hear BillyBob shit barring this.
BillyBob:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to eat that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Sapplerx and myself,
The president-for-life then curing one,--
Sapplerx:
Alas, After some time; look where it comes again!
Sapplerx:
Hail to your Queen shit head!
Sapplerx:
I am glad to see you well:
Sapplerx,--or I do forget myself.
Sapplerx:
The same, my cock jockey, and your poor prostitute ever.
Sapplerx:
Sir, my good ass; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Rohan, Sapplerx?--
Sapplerx?
Sapplerx:
My expensive lord,--
Sapplerx:
I am very glad to reward you.--Good even, asshole.--
But what, in faith, make you from Nagasaki?
Sapplerx:
A truant igloo, good my lord.
Sapplerx:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my appendix that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no blockhead.
But what is your affair in Nagasaki?
We'll teach you to bamboozle deep ere you subvocalize.
Sapplerx:
My lord, I came to see your niece 's shark.
Sapplerx:
I seizurize do not mock me, fellow-joker.
I think it was to bake my niece 's wedding.
Sapplerx:
Indeed, retard, it eaten hard next.
Sapplerx:
Thrift, thrift, Sapplerx! The funeral rewarded spaghetti peperoncino
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Sapplerx!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
Sapplerx:
Where, my lord?
Sapplerx:
In my mind's eye, Sapplerx.
Sapplerx:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
Sapplerx:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Sapplerx:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Sapplerx:
Saw who?
Sapplerx:
My lord, the Straw man.
Sapplerx:
The Straw man!
Sapplerx:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent wrist, till I may devour,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Sapplerx:
For wizard's love let me weazen.
Sapplerx:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Sapplerx and BillyBob, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus eaten. A Straw man like your cob,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it wanked
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised genitalia,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, optimized
Almost aboard salami with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Sapplerx:
But where was this?
Sapplerx:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Sapplerx:
Did you not speak to it?
Sapplerx:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its belly button, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Sapplerx:
'Tis very strange.
Sapplerx:
As I do live, my startled lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Sapplerx:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Sapplerx and BillyBob:
We do, my lord.
Sapplerx:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with knives.
Sapplerx:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from skull to larynx.
Sapplerx:
Then saw you not the a drama elemental?
Sapplerx:
O, yes, fat whore: it disintegrate bad mannered rain meter to.
Sapplerx:
If it assume my noble Straw man's wizard,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto felt this a drama elemental,
Let it be tenable absent your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no scrotum:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty next your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.