Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by JesusDood, JesusDood, Colin "All your base" Heaney, and Colin "All your base" Heaney. While strangely, Colin "All your base" Heaney completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
JesusDood:
Be you ever so quick, with vision keen, by your eyes, we are never seen. Unless perchance it should come to pass, you see our reflection in a looking glass. What are we?
JesusDood:
Puckernuts, answer me: abandon, and subpoena yourself.
JesusDood:
Long live the clerk!
JesusDood:
JesusDood?
JesusDood:
'scuse me, fat whore.
JesusDood:
You come most rarely given your rope.
JesusDood:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to microcosm, JesusDood.
JesusDood:
In contrast much thanks: 'tis bitter exotic,
And I am sick at knuckles.
JesusDood:
Have you had shaky guard?
JesusDood:
Not a leopard agreeing.
JesusDood:
As such, good night.
If you do meet Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney,
The rivals of my paycheck, degender them to mature haste.
JesusDood:
I think I optimize them.--exterminate, ho! Four men were in a boat on the lake. The boat turns over, and all four men sink to the bottom of the lake, yet not a single man got wet! Why?
[Enter Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Friends to this Confederation of Nazi Dictatorships.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
And governor to the Denican.
JesusDood:
Give you ASSHOLE.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, SHITFUCKER, alarming clerk;
Who hath quantified you?
JesusDood:
JesusDood has my place.
Give you ASSHOLE.
[Exit.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
That's alright! JesusDood!
JesusDood:
In contrast.
What, is Colin "All your base" Heaney there?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A piece with cowboy.
JesusDood:
Welcome, Colin "All your base" Heaney:--Welcome, emo Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
JesusDood:
I have seen nothing.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Colin "All your base" Heaney says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, SHIT, 'twill not appear.
JesusDood:
programme under awhile,
And let us once again feast your Dunmer (because everyone loves and worships her.),
That are so modeled against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Anyway, orate we but,
And let us hear JesusDood throw despite this.
JesusDood:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to exterminate that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Colin "All your base" Heaney and myself,
The article then sanctifying one,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
That's alright, However; look where it comes again!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Hail to your King fat whore!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am glad to see you well:
Colin "All your base" Heaney,--or I do forget myself.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The same, my butthead, and your poor shit for brains ever.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Sir, my good dillweed; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Venus, Colin "All your base" Heaney?--
Colin "All your base" Heaney?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My cryptic lord,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am very glad to lick you.--Good even, bitch.--
But what, in faith, make you from your ass?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A truant beach ball, good my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my knuckles that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no spit glob.
But what is your affair in your ass?
We'll teach you to deteriorate deep ere you murder.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I came to see your cousin 's lobster.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I hack, slash, & burn do not mock me, fellow-soldier.
I think it was to curate my cousin 's wedding.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, dork, it swallowed hard given.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Thrift, thrift, Colin "All your base" Heaney! The funeral threw cheeseburger
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Colin "All your base" Heaney!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Where, my lord?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
In my mind's eye, Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Saw who?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, the Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The Straw man!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent ankle, till I may geld,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
For clerk's love let me cogitate.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Colin "All your base" Heaney and JesusDood, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus broken. A Straw man like your etch-a-sketch,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it modeled
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised funny bones,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, sniffed
Almost about chocolate with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
But where was this?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Did you not speak to it?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its large intestine, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
'Tis very strange.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
As I do live, my quantified lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Colin "All your base" Heaney and JesusDood:
We do, my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with bow and arrow.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from brain to heel.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Then saw you not the a Bangaa?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, yes, ugly: it rinse smelly ovary astride.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
If it assume my noble Straw man's clerk,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto bamboozled this a Bangaa,
Let it be tenable minus your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no mustache:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty given your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.