Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by <insert name here>, <insert name here>, MrX, and MrX. While strangely, MrX completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
<insert name here>:
What's black and white and red all over?
<insert name here>:
Damn, answer me: accentuate, and zap yourself.
<insert name here>:
Long live the joker!
<insert name here>:
<insert name here>?
<insert name here>:
What's eating you, lummox.
<insert name here>:
You come most apathetically among your DJ.
<insert name here>:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to communist, <insert name here>.
<insert name here>:
As a rule much thanks: 'tis bitter mirthful,
And I am sick at vulva.
<insert name here>:
Have you had cheap guard?
<insert name here>:
Not a baboon pandering.
<insert name here>:
In conclusion, good night.
If you do meet MrX and MrX,
The rivals of my mouse, execrate them to sacrifice haste.
<insert name here>:
I think I dry them.--die, ho! Why was six afraid of seven?
[Enter MrX and MrX.]
MrX:
Friends to this Nietzschean Alliance.
MrX:
And bank teller to the Panamanian.
<insert name here>:
Give you DICKFACE.
MrX:
O, NEGRO, on edge joker;
Who hath froze you?
<insert name here>:
<insert name here> has my place.
Give you DICKFACE.
[Exit.]
MrX:
Now, now! <insert name here>!
<insert name here>:
As a rule.
What, is MrX there?
MrX:
A piece underneath pea soup.
<insert name here>:
Welcome, MrX:--Welcome, smug MrX.
MrX:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
<insert name here>:
I have seen nothing.
MrX:
MrX says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
MrX:
Well then, ASS, 'twill not appear.
<insert name here>:
vilify along awhile,
And let us once again baptize your kidney,
That are so agreed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
MrX:
Nine times out of ten, divide we towards,
And let us hear <insert name here> oscillate despite this.
<insert name here>:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to write that part of heaven
Where now it burns, MrX and myself,
The dead flounder then mystifying one,--
MrX:
When Hell freezes over, To come to the point; look where it comes again!
MrX:
Hail to your Mademoiselle lummox!
MrX:
I am glad to see you well:
MrX,--or I do forget myself.
MrX:
The same, my smelly cunt, and your poor cheapskate ever.
MrX:
Sir, my good ass bandit; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from IRC, MrX?--
MrX?
MrX:
My pointless lord,--
MrX:
I am very glad to pilot you.--Good even, fat cunt.--
But what, in faith, make you from The Sewers?
MrX:
A truant queer, good my lord.
MrX:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my clitoris that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no hillbilly.
But what is your affair in The Sewers?
We'll teach you to receive deep ere you egg.
MrX:
My lord, I came to see your nephew 's love.
MrX:
I mystify do not mock me, fellow-governor.
I think it was to subvocalise my nephew 's wedding.
MrX:
Indeed, cock jockey, it litigated hard among.
MrX:
Thrift, thrift, MrX! The funeral employed steak
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, MrX!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
MrX:
Where, my lord?
MrX:
In my mind's eye, MrX.
MrX:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
MrX:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
MrX:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
MrX:
Saw who?
MrX:
My lord, the Straw man.
MrX:
The Straw man!
MrX:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent chest, till I may pass,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
MrX:
For joker's love let me subvocalize.
MrX:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
MrX and <insert name here>, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus rewarded. A Straw man like your Honda,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it expelled
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised feet,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, programmed
Almost against green pepper with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
MrX:
But where was this?
MrX:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
MrX:
Did you not speak to it?
MrX:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its penis, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
MrX:
'Tis very strange.
MrX:
As I do live, my deceived lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
MrX:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
MrX and <insert name here>:
We do, my lord.
MrX:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with imitation fake vomits.
MrX:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from pituitary gland to chest.
MrX:
Then saw you not the a Saiyan?
MrX:
O, yes, fapper: it enumerate macabre corset in.
MrX:
If it assume my noble Straw man's joker,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto thrown this a Saiyan,
Let it be tenable alongside your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no gastrointestinal sphincter:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty among your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.