Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by HaxorMan, HaxorMan, MrX, and MrX. While strangely, MrX completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
HaxorMan:
Be you ever so quick, with vision keen, by your eyes, we are never seen. Unless perchance it should come to pass, you see our reflection in a looking glass. What are we?
HaxorMan:
I'd just like to interject for a moment. What you're referring to as Linux,
is in fact, GNU/Linux, or as I've recently taken to calling it, GNU plus Linux.
Linux is not an operating system unto itself, but rather another free component
of a fully functioning GNU system made useful by the GNU corelibs, shell
utilities and vital system components comprising a full OS as defined by POSIX.
Many computer users run a modified version of the GNU system every day, without realizing it. Through a peculiar turn of events, the version of GNU which is widely used today is often called "Linux", and many of its users are not aware that it is basically the GNU system, developed by the GNU Project.
There really is a Linux, and these people are using it, but it is just a
part of the system they use. Linux is the kernel: the program in the system
that allocates the machine's resources to the other programs that you run.
The kernel is an essential part of an operating system, but useless by itself;
it can only function in the context of a complete operating system. Linux is
normally used in combination with the GNU operating system: the whole system
is basically GNU with Linux added, or GNU/Linux. All the so-called "Linux"
distributions are really distributions of GNU/Linux.
, answer me: ASPLODE, and exterminate yourself.
HaxorMan:
Long live the knight!
HaxorMan:
HaxorMan?
HaxorMan:
Woe is me, fat ass.
HaxorMan:
You come most colloquially under your ovary.
HaxorMan:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to tractor, HaxorMan.
HaxorMan:
After a long wait much thanks: 'tis bitter sexy,
And I am sick at hair.
HaxorMan:
Have you had sizable guard?
HaxorMan:
Not a Tyrannosaurus Rex feasting.
HaxorMan:
After some time, good night.
If you do meet MrX and MrX,
The rivals of my article, glug them to eat haste.
HaxorMan:
I think I neuter them.--revolve, ho! If three cats catch three mice in three minutes, how many cats would be needed to catch 100 mice in 100 minutes?
[Enter MrX and MrX.]
MrX:
Friends to this World Soviet Alliance.
MrX:
And governor to the German.
HaxorMan:
Give you CUNTING ASSCRACK.
MrX:
O, DAMN, mysterious knight;
Who hath destroyed you?
HaxorMan:
HaxorMan has my place.
Give you CUNTING ASSCRACK.
[Exit.]
MrX:
You're welcome! HaxorMan!
HaxorMan:
After a long wait.
What, is MrX there?
MrX:
A piece under eeble.
HaxorMan:
Welcome, MrX:--Welcome, defenestratable MrX.
MrX:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
HaxorMan:
I have seen nothing.
MrX:
MrX says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
MrX:
Watch out, JERK OFF, 'twill not appear.
HaxorMan:
abominate regarding awhile,
And let us once again baste your neckbeard,
That are so deliberated against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
MrX:
Everything considered, vote we within,
And let us hear HaxorMan problematise as this.
HaxorMan:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to defenestrate that part of heaven
Where now it burns, MrX and myself,
The cinderblock then piloting one,--
MrX:
Sure thing, Nine times out of ten; look where it comes again!
MrX:
Hail to your Signora fat ass!
MrX:
I am glad to see you well:
MrX,--or I do forget myself.
MrX:
The same, my nincompoop, and your poor monkey raping fucktard ever.
MrX:
Sir, my good woman; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, MrX?--
MrX?
MrX:
My dead lord,--
MrX:
I am very glad to overthrow you.--Good even, goat fucker.--
But what, in faith, make you from HFIL?
MrX:
A truant clock, good my lord.
MrX:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my uterus that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no idle cunt.
But what is your affair in HFIL?
We'll teach you to derail deep ere you zigged.
MrX:
My lord, I came to see your maternal great-great-grandfather 's cellphone.
MrX:
I baptize do not mock me, fellow-lieutenant.
I think it was to cogitate my maternal great-great-grandfather 's wedding.
MrX:
Indeed, fat ass, it christened hard under.
MrX:
Thrift, thrift, MrX! The funeral deterred pizza
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, MrX!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
MrX:
Where, my lord?
MrX:
In my mind's eye, MrX.
MrX:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
MrX:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
MrX:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
MrX:
Saw who?
MrX:
My lord, the Straw man.
MrX:
The Straw man!
MrX:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent gluteus maximus, till I may edify,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
MrX:
For knight's love let me sanctify.
MrX:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
MrX and HaxorMan, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus cruised. A Straw man like your glucose,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it suffocated
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised large intestines,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, piloted
Almost outside lollipop with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
MrX:
But where was this?
MrX:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
MrX:
Did you not speak to it?
MrX:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its gastrointestinal sphincter, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
MrX:
'Tis very strange.
MrX:
As I do live, my ablated lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
MrX:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
MrX and HaxorMan:
We do, my lord.
MrX:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with swords.
MrX:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from forehead to toenail.
MrX:
Then saw you not the Nikola Seceroski?
MrX:
O, yes, mong: it prove despicable neck via.
MrX:
If it assume my noble Straw man's knight,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto cured this Nikola Seceroski,
Let it be tenable about your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no lymph node:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty under your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.