Stardew valley

You killing your grandfather, pictured(No color)

Stardew valley was created by a communist ice monkey who put Minecraft and PvZ together in Infinite craft. It is an RPG which tells the story of you hiding out in a country farm, after brutally murdering your grampa for inherence. However, being the criminal mastermind you are, you decide to crash the economy by producing massive amounts of liquor and eventually secretly working with a casino owner. On the way, you can also help either God, who is a fat woman named Yoba to appeal to the public, or Satan, who takes form in a politician.

Characters(Besides Yourself Narc)

There are 2.5+sin(45)^2 Kinds of characters that are important:

• Bachelors
• Bachelorettes
• Unloveable characters

The other ones are not important and therefore not mentioned in here.

Bachelors

Includes:

Shane

The drunk kid with a job that you can take away by force. People think they can fix him(by first giving him more beer for Shane to love them). Spoilers: They can't. Instead Shane just sleeps in your house rent free.

Sebastian

The mildly depressed kid(even though he's like 25) that lives in the basement. He throws rocks (and potatoes you grow) at a random homeless guy, who is preventing the expansion of industry, therefore being completely justified.

Sam (Jesus why do they all start with S)

Man child, but somehow the most normal bachelor. He actually has a job and has relatively normal parent(s). He also looks like goku, don't know if that's a red flag or a green flag.

Smelliott

Smelliott's signature on his latest works "Smells of the World"

He is smelly and thinks he's Edgar Allan Poe.

Harvey

The Only Bachelor that looks past 30. He is also hiding out in the valley after he committed a long list of crimes, possibly even longer than yours. Includes:

• Malpractice
• Robbery
• Sexual Assault
• Breaking and entering
• Tax evasion
• Breaking the Geneva convention
• Murder

Alex

Barely exists. The ice monkey used AI to generate a sad story and put it on Alex. Even though the game says otherwise, the farmer knows what Alex did on September 9th, 2003, 16:24 ETC. By the way, Alex is gay as he only offers up an interesting story to male farmers.

Bachelorettes

Emily

She has a sleep schedule worse than you, and is clinically insane. Is a redhead, literally. Date her only if you want to piss on the dreams of your local blacksmith, causing him to charge you even more for the ore and coal.

Maru

She canonically dates a robot, and will only like you if you give her a gold bar. This should say a lot about her.

Abigail

The goth girl that likes to play video games and eats rocks. Kinda looks like thanos, to be honest.

Nickel

Teaches kids but otherwise is pretty boring. She has trauma, but that applies to like 70% of the characters in the game.

Haley

Probably an OF girl. She is annoying, bitchy, stupid, disgusting, annoying, irresponsible, annoying, stupid, a gold digger, annoying, annoying and hypocritical.

Leah

Budget Robin.

The Unloveables

Krobus

Just like a black person in real life, Krobus sells random stuff to you at artifactually inflated prices, lives in a sewer, and if Krobus moves in with you he will do absolutely nothing and live in your house rent free. Krobus is one of the most realistic characters in the game.

Pierre

A lovely store that sells high quali- *Closed on Wednesdays"

*Loads Master slingshot up with iridium ore*

Caroline

She cheated on Pierre with the Wizard. Pierre doesn't know about this, and he shouldn't.

Kent

Went out to get milk for like a year and for some reason got ptsd instead of milk. I'm pretty sure he's dyslexic.

Jodi

The average American 90s mom, having 2 very very smart children and a loving husband who fought bravely and dauntlessly for the country. She also prepares for the return of his husband very ardently. Great job not being traumatized!

Gus

Nice guy that encourages overdrinking and drunk driving. Also sells you salads.

Vincent

The Equivalent of Bart Simpson, he is dumb and likes to prank you by giving you clay on Christmas.

Pam

PAM HORSE HEHEHEHE

Clint

Local creepy blacksmith who touches grass like twice a week to spy on people and charges you absurd amounts for coal..

George

He's in a wheelchair. Very sad i know.

Grammy

I truly do not have anything to say for her. She's just too nice. Maybe another farmer can come and finish this up.

William

William, Born on August 13th, 1957, is a famed fisher. William came from a line of fishermen. Due to the declining economy(and the fact that nobody here actually fishes), he doesn't have money. William also made a few bad financial decisions. Like either fix up your old boat or just sells it, its not that complicated.

Jas

The quiet kid. Give her gifts(especially cake) if you don't want her to launch a slingshot filled with explosive ammo at you while sleeping.

Marnie

SHE'S HIDING IN THE BUSHES!!! SHE'S VIETNAME- Never mind they're doing it again.

She is either staring at her microwave for 6 hours or doing it in the bushes with lewis.

Wizard

Living in a random tower that for some reason nobody knows about, he drugs you with a mysterious juice, which allows you to read the doctor's prescription of medicine for the community center. The basement tower also allows you to be transgender. I wonder what's going on in there.

Lewis

A corrupt politician, he uses his weaved lies to convince you to stay away from the amazing JOJA, and probably also committed many other crimes like mismanagement of the funds of the valley. Very corrupt politician, and anybody who try's running against him is mysteriously suicidal 3 days later.

Robin

Sigh......

WHY ISN'T ROBIN MARRAGBLE? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? DEMETRIUS SUCKS GIRL

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(luigi)

Oh also she sells you wood for like 50 gold per. Inflation really hit hard.

Demetrius

His legal name is Demetri, but everybody juts called him Demetrius to bully him. He also thinks a Tomato is a fruit. It is not.

Linus

He is the crazy person living in a tent, and he tries to hide the fact that he has no money and no house by "noooo i luv my lifestyle". Classic Karen. Just like a karen, he also tries to clear pollution out of the water. Buddy the weird color of the lake isn't from pollution, it is THE COLOR OF GLORIOUS INDUSTRIALIZATION!!

Dwarf

He has a lot of bombs to sell you. He is also black.

Oh he also has the cutest dialog when you take him to the movies. Everybody says why isn't like Robin dateable but why isn't the DWARF dateable???

Sandy

She is secretly Mr.Qi and runs an underground gambling operation. Since your grandpa was enemies with Mr.Qi by threatening to report her, she supports your Illegal wine making business by selling you plant drugs and starfruit.

Leo

Crazy bird kid. There's probably a witty reference to a book I can make here.

Gameplay

Here are a few things you can do in Stardew Valley

Fish

Wha-...... How....

You can fish out some seriously concerning things like:

• an ENTIRE treasure chest(How does it even get hooked)
• Joja Cola that somehow isn't poisonous and gives you speed, proving that Joja Produced things are truly superior.
• A Blue Sword, probably used by Percy Jackson or something
• Gold. Probably fell in there from the Joja drilling operation
• I don't really get how it works but you can hook a diamond up.
• Books that you can somehow still read.

Farm

Well this is a farming simulator so yeah you can farm. It is an endless loop of FARMING, INDUSTRILIZE, IMPROVE, REPEAT.

Also like 80% of the crops are totally unusable. The only ones that are actually profitable are

• Strawberries
• Blueberries
• Cranberries
• Melons
• Ancient fruit
• Starfruit
• Pumpkins

Talk to people

You giving literally everyone rabbits feet. Everybody in this town has a foot fetish, except for Nickel, who likes melons instead.

You can actually gift people! You can find their favorites by random pieces of paper left on the ground. You could also bribe everyone with diamonds, which is honestly how it works in real life. Alternatively you can just gift people rabbits feet. Wow so creative.

Have Animals

Animals kind of suck to be honest.

Go to festivals

Festivals are supposed to be fun. Except the fact that half the festivals are really concerning. First of all, the luau. It is definitely not up to any safety standards, and I am fairly surprised that no chemical reactions that cause the soup to be completely inedible has occurred before. The governor also drinks this, so you are also mingling with politics. The flower dance is also horrible. Besides the safety standards not being followed, HOW are you realistically supposed to find a girlfriend in like 22 days?

Play Minigames

You can also play minigames in the saloon. They don't charge you 100g to play the games, so I don't know how they even make money from this. Junimo Kart is pretty fun but impossible on Computer, while Journey of the Prairie king is painful and literally impossible on mobile.

(you guys can extend this i already spent like 7 hours on this i need sleep lol)