South Auckland

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A view northwards from Mangere Mountain over South Auckland, with Onehunga, Auckland City in the distance.

South Auckland is the southern part of New Zealand's largest, and least respected city, Auckland. It has become infamous for gang related activity. Statistics show that a murder/homicide occurs 2.5 times a day in South Auckland, the reason often is unavailability of Fried Chicken and/or Taro. South Auckland has a stench of Fried Chicken everywhere you go, especially in shopping center's, such as Hunters Plaza.

People[edit | edit source]

Gang violence is said to be growing problem.

South Auckland contains many bright and colourful (no pun intended) characters. Pacific Islanders and Maori dominate the region. Some you will find friendly because you bought something, probably illegal, from their shop. Others however, will curse at you and threaten to "bash yo'", maybe because you looked at them funny, walked on the wrong side of the street, caught a glimpse of their 'garden' growing hash, or because you just happened to be there. The residents of one street in South Auckland don't get their mail delivered anymore, because they yelled abuse at the posties. The "fanny bikes" of the New Zealand Post Service aren't looked upon with delight from residents because they don't emanate illegal amounts of carbon emmisions, make a sound so loud that deaf people could hear it, and it doesn't have a stereo that you can drop a beat to. Don't go to South Auckland unless you have proper protection, such as a Semi-Automatic Gun or some sort of deterrent (e.g. Fried Chicken).

Sports[edit | edit source]

The most preferred sport of South Auckland is "runnin' from da po'lice". Regional competitions are held regularly, which sparks a crime spree, and anger from the city's people because since there are no cops in town, they had to borrow some of Auckland's. No holds barred rugby is quite popular as well, with deaths only occurring in one fifth of matches now, "quite an achievement" says Hoochie D, head of South Auckland's council. 'Drink until you pass out' is enjoyed among the townsfolk. If you don't pass out from alcohol within the time limit, traditionally two minutes, you are considered a 'sissy white boy'. Competitions for this sport don't usually do well, as when they wake up, nobody can remember who actually won. Referees are usually part of the fanfare too, even though they aren't supposed to drink, nobody has the guts to stop them, unless they have a gang of at least 10.

Economy[edit | edit source]

The economy of South Auckland is very good, being mostly comprised of small, local, businesses such as KFC, the Pokies and a Killer Bees tinny house. 97% of income for South Aucklanders comes from the welfare system, in particular Working for Families or KFC/Pokie/tinny money as it is know in South Aucklands native blend of Maori, Samoan and "Asian". Many New Zealanders have unknowingly been giving their money away to South Aucklanders in the form of income taxes. When South Aucklanders want something, and don't get it, it is considered racist, and to be "hatin' on the playa'". If this happens, the Union of Maoris and Islanders (UMI) immediately boycott the Government, and refuse to vote for them in the next election. The Government feels that this would ruin them, even though the UMI only makes up a few percent of the population. The honchos at parliament would get more voters anyway, from the whities that support them for standing up to the UMI for once. South Auckland also has a thriving international market, exporting mostly commodity goods and luxury items to its neighbors Hamilton and Napier as part of its "P and violent crime free trade act of 1995".

Tourism[edit | edit source]

"What's a tourist?" Asks Aunty Fulai. South Aucklanders don't know what tourism is, as they get less tourists than a communist nation. Any outlanders that do appear in the town are on their way to or from (most likely from) Auckland. Every tourist that has visited South Auckland since 1998 has had some sort of damage done to them. Travel insurance companies refuse to sell insurance to anyone within a 50km radius of South Auckland, saying "we would prefer to stay in business".

Lifestyle[edit | edit source]

South Aucklanders start the day with a nice brew - of alcohol. They read the newspaper, which consists of pictures only because of the low literacy rate. Papers in South Auckland are banned from having a 'jobs wanted' section, as the people have no use for it anyway. Bangin' hoes is popular, with prostitutes being among the richest in South Auckland. A lot of the day is spent arguing over who has the best ride, whos is more pimped out, then decide to settle it with a drag race. The population usually decrease when one of these races takes place, but at least they died in a 'gangsta' fashion.

Beef(s)[edit | edit source]

South Auckland has beef with most of Auckland since the rest of Auckland has adequate housing, jobs and education.