Solvay, New York

Solvay 2009

“What's that smell?”

~ Oscar Wilde

“It's full of cat eaters!”

~ Tourist

“You known you're from Solvay when you're done with high school, you can't wait to get out, but you always seems to be around.”

~ Anonymous

“If you aim for no where, that’s exactly where you’ll end up (or you’ll just be back in Solvay).”

~ Solvay School District Official Motto

Solvay is composed of three main sections. There is the high society area, such as Orchard Road. Their influence on the Solvay School Board and everything else has lessened somewhat in recent years. Here you find families that date back several generations and have refused to move from the same house. Likewise the Westvale area (otherwise known as "new money") is mostly composed of lower middle class (and certainly white trash) families. The vast majority of Solvay is made up of a "shanty town" village. Most homes are built with a mixture of cardboard, drywall, and saliva. No stray cats can be found roaming the street, due to their status as delicacy in the village. Milton Ave. looks like a bomb hit the village and will always look that way. Solvay folk enjoy the squalor.

Demographics

The following is a rough estimation of the demographics of Solvay:

• 98% Italian-American
• 97% White Trash
• 23% Ukrainian/Russian
• 79% Dirtball
• 0.03% Others

People

Edward Fish III

Edward Fish

Edward Fish founded Solvay in 1803 and has continued to live there until the present. He was able to purchase the large amount of land from the Native Americans with his fortune made in the raccoon oil industry. He paved the streets by hand and built the original schoolhouse. His first law was to order no bathing on the Sabbath. On June 24, 1865, Edward married his soulmate Pamela. The couple has risen to the status of legendary. They can often be found at any and all events in Solvay, from athletic competitions to musical performances. He keeps a watchful eye over his precious village. Strangely, his applications for work with the Solvay Police Department, the Solvay Fire Department, and the Solvay School District have met with failure each time. Given the political nature of every previous (and precious) Solvay Village job, who could have known that Edward Fish himself wouldn’t be able to get a fine job in his fine village.

Ernest Solvay

Ernest Solvay was a henchman of Adolf Hitler. He was sent over in 1845 to destroy Edward Fish and take over his beloved village. His methods of producing the first form of chemical weapons was known as the "Solvay Process." After being defeated in the Battle of the Soda Ash and gettin anal raped, Ernest was sent back to Germany where he was executed for his failures. To honor him, Edward Fish named his village after Ernest then pissed on the welcome sign. The empty factories where Ernest made his chemicals were turned into public buildings such as the schools, churches, and police station. The stench of Solvay is attributed to the still-lingering chemical wastes. The stench of Solvay is also directly related to all of the nepotism contained in the tiny village.

Bum Beater

Bum Beater

Bum Beater is a local superhero. He has the ability to run faster than a cheetah, leap farther than a baboon, and speak swifter than a French poet. Born in 1922, Bum Beater grew up on the roof of the local high school. He fed himself with pigeon eggs and melted snow. One day he decided to climb down and was befriended by Edward Fish. Bum Beater can often be found at high school sporting events and at most fire houses. When there is trouble, citizens of Solvay yell his distress call to the tune of Rihanna's "Disturbia": bum bum beater, bum bum bee bum bum. Because of his loyal feats, Bum Beater was promoted to head chief of both the fire and police departments. Rumor is, he has been seriously considered as the next Solvay School District Superintendent. With so many bums to beat in Solvay however, it doesn't seem likely that Bum Beater will ever have time to run the Solvay Union Free School District.

Poop Eater

A young man by the name of Dan is amongst the strangest in the community. Dan can often be found roaming the backroads of the village usually talking to invisible wizards. Dan enjoys eating feces, often making remarks such as, "Yeah, it's good" and "Yeah, it tastes like sausage." Dan is also an expert in pyrotechnics. Getting into a half-way fetal position of sorts, Poop Eater begins rubbing his hands together between his legs. Within moments, his hands ignite. Dan is usually the cause of west coast forest fires, but has never been charged with arson. Strange Dan is considering a run for Solvay School Board President very soon.

The Beckinator

The Beckinator was somewhat of a childhood legend around the Solvay-Lakeland region. Beck, standing at 12'4" and weighing 112 pounds, was a Little League all-star who played for Garcia's Automotive. When it came to hitting and base running, Beck was a champion. With strides longer than T-Rex and hand-eye coordination of a professional gamer, Beck was the perfect offensive player. Beck shared a personal relationship with Poop Eater. They engaged in anal sex and ate each other's feces. Poop Eater says, "Yeah, it was good...it was like sausage." The Beckinator is torn between running for mayor of Solvay and becoming the next Solvay Chief of Police. Rest assured, no outsider who wasn't born in Solvay, has any chance of attaining either position.

Da Nooch

Da Nooch is a local legend in Solvay. He is presently the curator at the Solvay Youth Center, a local fitness center/homeless shelter. Da Nooch is a retired professional basketball player, having played for several bankrupted ABA teams, including the Virginia Squires, the Carolina Cougars, and the Baltimore Claws. During his pro days, Da Nooch set several ABA records, including most personal fouls in a single game (12) and most three pointer celebrations in a half (5). He could often be seen doing his patented "seizure and shout" routine after every shot (even ones that did not go in the rim). He considered his shorts from his pro days very lucky and that is why he has worn them every day without washing since his retirement in 1965.

T.O.P.G.U.N.

TOPGUN is a newcomer to the Solvay area. Moving into the community in early 2009, TOPGUN initially established himself as a fashion icon. He usually strode with a pair of mock-Timberland boots and always had a pair of $10 aviators clipped to his t-shirt. During the cold months, TOPGUN wore his "CENTRAL" sports jacket. The jacket represented his presence on his former school's football and rugby teams. As time progressed, TOPGUN became a familiar face when it came to mechanics. There wasn't a time when you would see him sans grease and motor oil slathered all over him.

Mr. Mac

Mr. Mac is a health education teacher working at Solvay High School. Mr. Mac has several areas of expertise including but not limited to: AIDS, HIV, nuclear weaponry, nuclear fallout, sex, oral sex, anal sex, oral to anal sex, anal to oral sex, and pie. Mr. Mac has several traits that make him visible in a large crowd. He has a strange teal-colored fungus on his elbows. He can often be found wearing a Bluetooth headset in which half the time he is unaware he is just talking to himself. Mr. Mac has a certain affinity for Peanut Butter Pie at the Baldwinsville Diner.

Mr. G

Mr. G was a local pedophile who would go down in infamy in 2008. Around the end of the 2008 school year, Mr. G was arrested on possesion of anomalous materials. Mr. G can now be found doing work for the city of Syracuse and village of Solvay. He has been sighted lining subterrainean pipes with insulation and also maintaining sewage lines.

Mr. K

Mr. K was a special teacher in the Solvay School District, most of which was spent in the high school. During the 2008-2009 school year, Mr. K was released from his position in the school on account of having excessive fun with students and not getting enough real work done. Some of the games Mr. K played include: Yahtzee, Monopoly, and Connect 4. Francisco is a known pet of Mr. K

Places

Solvay Pool

Solvay Pool in the Summer

The Solvay Pool is located behind the high school. the pool is used for kid to hangout and swimming lessons

Solvay Geddes Community Youth Center

When students of Solvay High School are released at 2:05, you will never fail to see a few children walking down to the local youth center. The complex consists of a main lobby, gymnasium, and indoor swimming pool. While the entire establishment is indeed a shithole, the students and staff that are there are what really bring the building down. The main lobby is typically littered with suspicious individuals that graduated from Solvay High School centuries ago. The gymnasium possesses six basketball hoops in which students and other local folk can participate in exciting games of H-O-R-S-E and/or Knockout. The indoor pool within the complex reeks of mold and grime. Even though there is a lack of CLR, other chemicals that linger around Solvay's polluted airspace are able to magically rid the pool of any urine, feces, or other products that are administered to it via human contact.

Solvay High School

Located at the top of massive Gertrude Road Hill, Solvay High School stands in its miserable glory. No renovations or fancy football fields can mask the fact that this school consistently underperforms 95% of the high schools in New York State. Complete with one of the nicest football/track complex in Section III, Solvay hoodlums never fail to attempt to destroy it. In this school you will find the rare species of the orange people (mostly a result of excessive tanning), and many other dwellers of the hood. Made up of an array of teachers who have no idea what they are doing (or even give a damn about student achievement), at Solvay you get a quality education. Less than 3% of each graduating class attends a four year University. This has slipped further to 1.5% since the 2020 Pandemic started. Solvay is also one of the only high schools that offers a thirteenth grade at the neighboring OCC. A common scene at Solvay is overweight female students, wearing extra small wife beaters, and low rise pants significantly exposing their gargantuan muffin tops. If you are not deaf before you attend Solvay, you will be by the time you graduate as a result of the "ghetto bitches" screaming at each other down the hall. Athletics in Solvay are a embarrassment, unless you are a member of the ghetto donkers team. Football will always be king at Solvay, even though they no longer can pull off a winning season. The volleyball team is also very popular, because each volleyball game ends in an orgy. If you go to Solvay, you should plan on your great great great great great grandchildren also attending Solvay, because nobody ever leaves, especially the large Ukrainian population.