Sir John Henry Roberts
St. Sir John Henry Roberts (born March 14, 1948), also known as Pegleg Roberts, is Oxford's senior art historian.
Born a baby on March 14, 1948 in Birmingham, England, Roberts was the youngest child of John and Henrietta Roberts. Originally named Richard Roberts, but being the only child in his family to survive past the age of six, his parents renamed him "Sir John Henry" Roberts in celebration of his sixth birthday. Later in his teenage years he was in a bicycling accident and caused serious damage to his leg, eventually leading to him having to get a prosthetic leg. He found humour in his accident and gave himself the nickname "Pegleg Roberts," due his childhood love for pirates.
Education and Later Life
He first attended Hill House School in West London, and later the Cheam Preparatory School in Berkshire. He attended Oxford University at Lincoln College first studying theology. After finding that God does not exist, he changed his field of study to art history. There he excelled, even to the point of being asked to be a Fellow of Lincoln College teaching art history. Most noted for advocating the view that Rodin's The Thinker is actually concealing an erection. Though most of his peers and many scholars disagree his assertion, he published an article in 2008, which is titled "Shall I Sculpt the Penis?" He is currently sueing J.K. Rowling for stealing his seven series book titled "Hairy Penis", which she stole and renamed "Harry Potter". In a recent television interview St. Sir John Henry Roberts stated, "That bitch stole my idea, but she can never take my penis."
Shall I Sculpt the Penis?
In 2008, St. Sir John Henry Roberts published his much anticipated article in Phallus Quarterly titled "Shall I Sculpt the Penis?". In the article, Sir John Henry Roberts argues that Rodin's statue in Paris named The Thinker is actually concealing an erection. In preparation of this article, St. Sir John Henry Roberts travelled to Paris, France where he studied the statue for two years with Kevin Costner and Bill Paxton. The article was accepted by the academic community with wide acclaim as being the greatest thing ever written in all of history. The article has sent shockwaves throughout academia causing everything ever known about history, anatomy, biology, French, cosmetology, and many other fields to be questioned. Upon reading the article, Stephen Hawking said, "I have nothing further to say," and then smashed the computer on his wheelchair. Currently, Sen. Richard Shelby, Alabama-R, is attempting to make the article the 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Pope Benedict XVI announced that the article shall be placed in the Bible as a fifth Gospel, and canonized both Sir John Henry Roberts and Uncle Tom's Cabin, despite the fact that St. Sir John Henry Roberts is still living and St. Uncle Tom's Cabin is immortal.
In 2011, Walter Isaacson, who also wrote the biography on the life of Steve Jobs, approached St. Sir John Henry Roberts to write his biography. St. Sir John Henry Roberts though pulled out, which is the first and only time he has, from the deal when Isaacson titled the book, "A Little Too Much Penis." Jan de Bont and Bill Paxton left a flaming bag of dog crap on Isaacson's doorstep.
- "I swear there's a penis under there!", St. Sir John Henry Roberts to Kevin Costner upon seeing The Thinker in Paris, France.
- "I, in the same manner and fashion as the thinker, sit and ponder throughout the night as to whether or not the concealed penis is in fact larger than mine. Alas, we are so alike yet so different, for the thinker orients himself to conceal an erection while I orient myself in the same manner so that I can compare the length and girth of our peni." [Phantasies of the Priapus: The God of Phalluses]
- "I am a real person"
- "Scatological humour is the only kind for me."
- "What comes after "O"? P(enis)! O' how I love thy beauty, Great Penis, that you consume every crevice in my brain. Penis ≥ Everything. Never the other way around, so THINKER! I demand of you to come alive from your sculpted form and reveal to me the reason for hiding such a natural thing as an erection"
- "What a wiener"--Bill Paxton in the movie by Jan de Bont named "Twister", and also when seeing Rodin's Thinker.
- "I chase tornadoes, metaphorically, for tornadoes are the best metaphor for a penis in my case since it is black, erect, sometimes curvy, make both men and women scream, and constantly chases after Bill Paxton." -- St. Sir John Henry Roberts while watching "Twister" with Jan de Bont
- St. Sir John Henry Roberts is not actually a knight, yet. His first name actually is "Sir"
- St. Sir John Henry Roberts loved to swain his childhood pet parrot.
- St. Sir John Henry Roberts' penis is only two inches, from the floor.
- St. Sir John Henry Roberts is actually 6'1", on his back.
- Though Sir John Henry Roberts is white, his penis is actually black and is nicknamed "Uncle Tom's Cabin"
- In an oil painting of himself, shown above, he is actually concealing his partially erect penis with a red blanket.
- The first recorded slow clap in history occurred in an Oxford University bathroom when the man peeing next to St. Sir John Henry Roberts briefly looked down to see "Uncle Tom's Cabin" (which is Sir John Henry Roberts' penis). The man was so enthralled with St. Sir John Henry Roberts' penis that he moved his hands from his own penis and began to clap, slowly, having no regard that he was spraying everywhere. This is why the proper way to start a slow clap is with one's penis hanging out pissing all over themselves.
- St. Sir John Henry Roberts killed the doctor who delievered him. When the doctor attempted to circumcize then Richard Roberts, the blade broke on contact with his penis. This prompted St. Sir John Henry Roberts' first words which are constantly misquoted saying, "Ha, my penis is mightier than your sword!" The then infant Roberts grabbed the knife, and cut off the doctor's head. The head stays on his night stand table as a tasteful lamp due to Roberts' religion of Necromongerism in which you keep what you kill.
- Uncle Tom's Cabin has his own penis named the Kraken, which is occasionlly released.
- "Uncle Tom's Cabin", St. Sir John Henry Roberts' penis, holds citizenship in Great Britain, Ireland, Canada, and the United States of America.
- Although, Sir John Henry Roberts is not a knight, yet. It is rumored that Queen Elizabeth II is going knight Uncle Tom's Cabin.
- Senator Jeff Session, Alabama-R, who is a partial leprechaun, has offered a bill in the U.S. Senate to paint the Washington Monument black and to rename it "The Sir John Henry Roberts Monument"