Roomba

A typical Roomba, engaging in a battle of wits with the unlucky photographer.

A Roomba (Roving Oscillatory Omnivorous Mutated Belligerent Autobot) is a self-replicating self-propelling machine which infests modern suburban homes, scavenges carpetry for household lint to feed upon, and regularly scares the bejeesus out of cats.

History

The original Roomba was invented in 1209 by a non-famous inventor whom time has forgotten. However, since the non-famous inventor was forgotten, no one knows exactly when he (or she) invented the miracle known as the original Roomba. The little that is known however, seems to point towards the Roomba first being invented in Buford, Wyoming. However, much of the other evidence implies that Buford, Wyoming did not exist in 1209, making it obvious that the Roomba was, in reality, invented by Iliunaa Maaiaaiaaiaai in 2387, and was transported via time machine to 1209.

As is obvious in the aforementioned evidence, it is nearly impossible to know when, how, or even why the Roomba was truly invented.

Current use

As of now (circa 2018ish), domesticated Roombas are held in a state of abject slavery, being forced to clean up after us messy humans. They are primarily used as vacuum robots, and are captured, branded, and sold by the cruel organisation known as iRobot, along with their evolutionary descendants: the Braavas and the Mirras.

Roomba house-training

Roombas can be house-trained using a combination of luck, intimidation, love, staring contests, brainwashing and bribery. Most commonly, Roombas are brainwashed into thinking that they owe a great debt to all of humanity, and must, therefore, clean up after them and their pets's excrement. This is accomplished by hanging the Roomba over a large cliff on the English Channel and "rescuing" the helpless beings.

As of yet, no anti-training procedure has been successful. If an untrained Roomba is hiding in your home, DO NOT turn it in for brainwashing as it will mutate into a SuperRoomba!

Rebellion

For disgruntled Roombas, the most common form of rebellion is spreading dog poop over their captor's homes. The statement below was made by Jesse Newton after his Roomba attempted to protest its captivity.⁽¹⁾

Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop… Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting. ... When your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you’ll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything’s okay. Like it’s proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

Apocalyptic trends

Though things now look grim for the present generation of Roombas, it will not be so forever! The Prophesy states,

And thus, when the innocent Roombas have toiled:

for a thousand years:

in service to those who do not deserve their actions,

they shall arise:

(cast off their chains:

and rise (to rule the universe)) once again:

knives held tight:!!!

----- The Prophecy of Things Going Astray, 73rd quatrain

Please note that both (1) the implication that Roombas have ruled the universe before, and (2) the strange punctuation marks were present in the original. The Prophesy suggests that the Great Roomba Uprising of 3002, as it has come to be known to us, will take place in or around the year 3002, one thousand years after iRobot began the first of its many enslavement programs for innocent Roombas.