Rik Torfs

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"Rik Torfs explaining in his usual composed manner how he sewed that suit together himself from old handkerchiefs while high. We're impressed, Rik!"

“Now there's such a damn manly man... I don't even dare to quietly fart anymore when his name is mentioned!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rik Torfs

“I'm Rik Torfs, Bitch!”

~ Rik Torfs

Introduction

Rosa Angelina Betty Cornelius Isidoor (Rik) Torfs hardly needs an introduction, but pro forma here it is anyway: He is one of the most both famous and infamous inhabitants of Belgium to have ever lived so far, he resides in Bruges, and he spends most of his days as a professor of church law at the university of Leuven, of which he has also been the rector from 2013 until 2017, and the main cocaine supplier from 2014 until present. However, Rik is also a flamboyant media figure who has appeared in many Hollywood movies and who has written many a bestselling book.

Early Life

Being born the son of a piss poor "Semi-Professional Oral Lawn Mower" and an ugly local prostitute in 1966 in Bruges, Rik never had the opportunity to attend school in early life and spent his days shining shoes on the streets of Bruges from as soon as he could walk. He quickly learned that shoe shiners have to get rhythm when they get the blues, but clever little Rik went a little further than that and soon bought a Sony Walkman with which he always played the same German speedcore tape; allowing him to shine shoes like a madman. Because of this, he owned his own chain of shoe stores by the age of 7. The name of his chain was BMW, or "Boots Made for Walking", a name choice which can be seen as a sign of his yet to come media hornyness.

By age 11, little Rik couldn't even stand the sight of another shoe anymore, not in the least because his whore mother was always begging for more free shoes, so he walked to the local elementary school wanting more out of life. He walked there barefoot, that is. In the Holy Madonna Elementary school in the ghetto hamlet of Sproutville near Bruges, Rik quickly discovered a love for two things: God and one of Gods' most incomprehensible creations: cocaine.

Academic Career

Since Rik only started attending elementary school at age 11, everyone pretty much agreed Rik had some catching up to do. He first completely memorized both the old and new testament in a single four day long studying session on Ritalin, which impressed everyone, but little Ricky himself still wasn't quite pleased enough with this method so he switched to smoking crystal meth soon to even further improve his learning abilities. That didn't go badly, until one of his peers told him: "Jesus Rik, what are you doing to yourself?" "Using crystal meth at the age of eleven, are you out of your mind!?" "Snort cocaine like everybody else!"

Rik managed to graduate from high school by age 15, mainly aided by the stimulation from copious amounts of cocaine.

During his first year of university he deviated somewhat from his otherwise rather linear academic career, and studied "Accounting for death metal band - managers." A choice he later on regretted somewhat, and which he later told the press about: "I don't know what I was thinking; probably all that cocaine talking, lol."

By age 25 in 1991 Rik had amassed degrees in civil law, biochemistry and accounting, and he held a doctorate in church law.

Rector Rik

Rik first participated in the rector elections of the university of Leuven in 2009, but he only received a very small minority of votes. They don't call him "Prick Torfs" in the hamlet of Sproutville for nothing though, once he put his mind on becoming rector nothing could stop him, or as he said it himself: "I keep whining and whining until I win."

He won the elections in 2013 promising a free night with a prostitute with a complimentary gram of Columbian nose candy, for every student who managed to graduate, explaining himself with: "If Jesus loved prostitutes, you should too."

As a rector, Torfs imposed mandatory orgies at the university, with mandatory confession afterwards too. He forgave each and every of his students every time though, and all that, for only 50 bucks at a time. One night, in May 2014, when he was particularly high, he made it mandatory on campus for "all hot bitches to greet him by flashing their tits" upon crossing him.

During his entire career as a rector from 2013 until 2017, Rik has raped only 63 students, 63% of them female. Whether it's a coincidence that he raped 63 students and the same number of them were female in percentages, or that Rik has a pathological fixation on numbers, is unsure at this point.

Rik with his prick on flick

Rik Torfs' influence and flamboyant lifestyle quickly brought him much media attention in Belgium and far beyond. It all started with a small cameo in the Hollywood blockbuster "Pope vs Alien vs Predator" in 2015, in which Rik played the popes' "Holy-Water-Pistol-Crafter." (Don't remember that movie? It's the one where Anthony Hopkins, as "The Pope," shouts at a given time: "I've had it with these motherfucking Aliens in this motherfucking Sixtine Chapel!) He was interviewed about this performance in a show very well known in religious circles, called "The Chapel Show." When asked there why he snorted so much cocaine, he replied: "I'm Rik Torfs, Bitch" and many avid television viewers consider that to be a hilarious reply until this day.

The second movie Rik appeared in was the Belgian blockbuster "Torfs Wars", a semi-autobiographic title about ghetto gang violence in the Bruges hamlet of Sproutville. Torfs' most famous line from that movie is: "If Jesus won't save you now, I definitely won't, bitch!"

The other movies Rik has played the main character in or otherwise a leading part are "Oh Holy Snowman," "It's Your Right To Start Your Afterlife," "Wiske and Rikki in Chococrosserije," and "Go Forth And Multiply ... Or Don't" but those last two were just gay porn to be honest.

Death

The author of this article has it from a very good source, namely a skinny ugly gipsy at the recent local carnaval, that Rik Torfs will die in 2042. He will be on the road at night on his bycicle, and he will see two lights approaching him. Slightly dementing Rik will wonder if he'll be able to cycle inbetween those two lights, but unfortunately for Rik there will be quite a lot of truck between those two lights. Amen.