Rare orange man-eating construction barrel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrels
Orange2.jpg
Scientific classification
Kingdom Constructa
Phylum Erectophyta
Class Megalopsida
Order Pillarformeales
Family Naranjeae
Genus Ampulla
Binomial name

Ampulla man-eatus barrelus

Ampulla man-eatus pseudobarrelus

The rare orange man-eating construction barrel (Ampulla man-eatus barrelus), not to be confused with the rare orange man eating a construction barrel (which is the Orange Construction Barrel's enemy), is a specimen closely related to the Orange Construction Barrel (Ampulla fabricatio barrelus). The two look very similar, but their behaviors are very different. For example, the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel eats all living things, even man, and are scrupulously nocturnal.

Life cycle[edit | edit source]

A remarkable thing about the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is that its life cycle is nearly identical to its friendlier counterpart.

Seeds[edit | edit source]

Fabriforms begin life as small shards broken off from the parent plant. These shards work their way beneath the surface of the asphalt, either through weather processes or through compaction beneath the feet of other animals. These seeds lie dormant through the winter and begin to sprout in early summer when the rising temperatures cause the asphalt to expand and become malleable.

Sprouts[edit | edit source]

One can tell that the seeds of the construction plants are nearing the point of germination when the road surface becomes rough and uneven. Potholes may begin to form. This is the result of the most fascinating ability of the fabri- and pillaform genii: they form their tough exterior shells by absorbing and excreting the surrounding material. Fabriforms digest asphalt and rework the crude oils into a plastic shell, while pillaforms sprout from bedrock and cobblestone streets. The composition of this material affects the outward appearance of each fabriform, but the federal guidelines for road asphalt mean that very little variation is actually expressed.

Adolescence[edit | edit source]

Main article: Traffic cone

Traffic cones are still the extremely rebellious adolescent stage of the man-eating construction barrel's life cycle. Though their development is very similar to a normal traffic cone, their behavior is far different. While man-eating cones are still thrill-seeking idiots who criticize others' shapes to no end, it's actually possible to pacify a man-eating barrel in this stage and turn it into a regular orange construction barrel. There are several methods of doing so, such as throwing the cone into therapy, filling the cone with massive amounts of light so that its fruit starts blinking (which also pacifies the cone somehow), or forcing the cone to see the effects of its possible future self's destructive nature.

Maturity[edit | edit source]

The seedlings have a variable maturation period - some may take several weeks (or even months) to reach full germination, others may appear and fully mature seemingly over years! One thing about the life cycle is certain - when the plant develops its fruit (an orange light), it is mature and ready to be harvested. The Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel should not be harvested, as the Man-Eating Barrel will consume anything near it. To tell the difference between an Orange Construction Barrel and the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel, you should watch the fruit, as the fruit/light does not blink if it's a man-eating barrel. This is the only reliable way to differenciate between the Orange Construction Barrel and the Man-Eating Barrel. In certain counties such as England, harvesting happens underage, in the traffic cone stage. This often leads to many wounded harvesters, as the young are very feral, though they cannot eat a full-grown man yet.

Reproduction[edit | edit source]

Once the fruit of the Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is large, the plant is fertile and ready to reproduce. Much as the scent of a flower attracts insects, the light attracts animals and vehicles that will help spread the plant across the roadway. (Sometimes, however, the animals and vehicle are devoured.) Even one piece of the fruit can eventually grow into a full-fledged plant by the next summer. Byproducts of the reproduction process are used to make Shredded Wheat cereal. Genetic variation comes from a type of cross-pollination; if two fabriform seeds contact each other, they share plastic material as they mature into one plant. The larval form is known as a traffic cone.

Dealing with and avoiding man-eating construction barrels[edit | edit source]

Never confuse an Orange Construction Barrel with a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel! It just may cost you your life. There is an old saying - "Blinking light, no reason for fright. Blinkless fruit, you are doomed." Remember this.

As man-eating barrels are almost entirely nocturnal, it is recommended to traverse barrel-infested areas during the day, as the barrels will never wake up and attack you during that time period. However, this is not always possible, for several reasons.

If you do find yourself against a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel, use bait. The only bait ever to have been able to reliably deter a Man-Eating Barrel is nachos and ketchup. To carry these in your pocket is a bad idea - the Barrel will charge you at a very high speed of one miles a second. Instead, throw it about 2 feet in front of the Barrel, and then run. Remember, if you ever think a Orange Man-Eating Construction Barrel is following you, take it safe, throw some ketchup at it, and run.

See also[edit | edit source]