Rachel Riley
Rachel Vivian-Euler Riley, perpetually 25, is an English mathematician, TV presenter and part-time superhero whose algebraic acumen and exquisite beauty make her a perfect fixture on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, since she can balance out the general unkempt, unattractive quality common in the show's guests and its host, Jimmy Carr, who it is said looks like if Roger Federer lost a fight with a lead frying pan. She is known to be able to recite Pi to 250 places in 15.6 microseconds, gaining her a spot in the Guinness Book of Records.
It was proposed to make being as sexy as Rachel Riley illegal in 2008, which would have necessitated her face being mauled by an aggressive bonobo monkey (as is custom practice in Northern English tribal law when dealing with succubuses), but despite the cast-iron legal manoeuvering by the law's proponents, Rachel Riley was able to escape justice using an anachronistic by-law stating that legal cases of that nature could only be brought forth by virgins, and the plaintiff was on his 5th wife, making virginity improbable at best, especially due to his 32 illegitimate children. It is unlikely the case would have got very far anyway since any cross-examination of her would have rendered all heterosexual men in the courtroom incapacitated through the primal urge to vigorously pleasure themselves, something that would probably have led to a mistrial.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Rachel Riley could count before she left the womb, often overhearing her mother reciting numbers due to her work as a cashier at one of England's finest Lidl budget food shops. As she emerged from her mother, she simply exclaimed "what the fuck! 7 ate 9?!" Her mother and father quickly discovered her aptitude for maths and as such locked her in a broom closet for the first 10 years of her life due to their belief that maths is evil and ungodly. Rachel, 8-years-old at the time, etched complex theorems into the walls with nothing but her nails and teeth, solving several long-standing categories of maths problems that had persisted unsolved for millenia.
Rachel's parents died under suspicious circumstances and the police were interested to hear Rachel's side of the story regarding how her parents came to be bludgeoned to death with a maths textbook containing her name and several sorcerors' spells in the index. However, as soon as they looked into her eyes, they were dazzled and hypnotised and promptly ruled the parents' deaths a ritual suicide. Subsequent to this event, Rachel was looked after by her grandparents, who did not take any chances and indeed built a large cavernous steel structure around the broom closet in which she was forced to reside, making her even more isolated and 'math-crazy', evidenced by the fact she would often just recite '6' over and over again whilst scratching on random surfaces with her talons.
In 2010, Rachel was working on the Chaos Theory and constructed an equation including the number '666' and '1408'. As soon as her nail left the wall, the house spontaneously burst into flames and dark voices could be heard in the depths of its foundations instructing Rachel Riley to cobble together a weapon from the broomsticks at hand, escape the steel sarcophagus and murder her grandparents. Luckily, Rachel knew from 9/11 that fire can't melt steel beams so she simply remained in her kingdom, knowing that the fire service would rescue her when they arrived. She got very hot (as usual) but was able to weather this because she was hotter than the flames and as such remained unharmed, which is more than can be said for her grandparents, whose corpses were found emblazoned with strange occult markings.
Countdown[edit | edit source]
Rachel Riley replaced Carol Vorderman when she got old and defunct. The producers scoured the Internet to find a new hot maths genius and stumbled on a YouTube video of a young woman reading the shipping forecast, mistaking her speech for a complex mathematical algorithm. Nevertheless, Rachel Riley proved equal to the task at hand and provided a splendid service for ageing decrepit men all over England whose lack of technological expertise made navigating PornHub challenging.