Progressive metal

Progressive metal (sometimes known as prog metal) is a form of rock music that combines classical, jazz, and other sorts of somehow non-exsistant music and combine it with Heavy Metal. Much like prog rock, progressive metal uses long (mostly boring and pretentious) keyboard interludes, complex lead and rythm guitars, and pretty much 10 minute intros courtesy of a wash of cheesy keyboards overdubbed, with many of the parts playing the same simple notes. And to top it all off, many of the bands in Prog bands like to make boring and repetative concept albums, all about the boring and repetative concepts about Adventure, Life and Death, War, or just instrumental wanking. Notable progressive metal bands are Rush, Opeth, Dream Theater, Symphony X, and that's pretty much basically it.

History

2112 album cover.

It all started when a fat guy with no self-esteem and impaired judgement named Rush limbaugh. Born in the Ancient Hellholes and raised by creepy phedolphiles, he turned to Genesis in order to get away from the fact he was mental, and that kids were bullying him for lunch money. At age 17, he started to form a band and make some music combined with Prog rock, Heavy Metal, anal sex, and a bunch of new-age and advant-garde jazz interudes by forming a band filled with ametuer enthuseists who know only 4 chords. Then came their record 2112 Pounds, a record with unusual time signatures (ie 9/16, 8/20), and multi-cinimatic pieces about boring, pretentious things about Rush's life. Sadly for him, nobody ever got it. Mostly because it had poor production and they didn't get what Rush Limbaugh was saying. In fact, they thought that 2112 Pounds was about his penis and how he likes to stroke it with little kids.

As a result, Rush disappeared, and never came back. Okay I lied, he did came back, as a drug-addicted talk show host. But unlike the critics, many years later that nerds and geeks who got weggies and punched in the nuts listened to the album, and soon then, they all became Progressive Metal musicians. Only the fact that only a few percentage are actually talented musicians, while most of the bands are crap copying Dream Theater.

Song Structures

Like I said, like Progressive Rock, Progressive Metal contains 10 minute intro, complex lead and rythm, long and sometimes boring interludes, and different time changes. I have written a typical "epic" prog song and I expect you all to read it, NOW!

WARNING!" This song (and just about every prog metal song) is boring, cheesy, comatose, and just pure utter bullshit. Did I mention boring?

Intro Pt. 1

(keyboard intro, mostly plays just one note)

Part I: The Beginning Of Life

Ever since a guy named God farted a planet, he called Earth
Dinosuars began claiming this land, but ever since a commet hit them
Actually, God needed to go to the bathroom and dropped a BIGG!!! dose of poop
Soon began the rise of sweaty-ass caveman
Retarded life forms that did nothing but sit around and act like animals
Good thing that a smart guy named Albert Einstein taught them about education
Orelse we would be still living like a bunch of idiot hobos

DRUM SOLO!!! With drum sticks, and time signatures such as 7/8, 800/16, 21/12, Bread/40

Part II: When the Mind controls Humans

Hey there everybody, my name is Albert's son
I'm a brain which is inside your numb skulls
I fell from the cooking and sizzeling sun
Came here to guide you, since this world is so damn dull

Here you go, a Metropolis
Where you all can create jobs
And stablize your growing economy

But unfortunately, Metropolis' economy began to fall apart
Ever since they elected Barack Obama
And then terrorists came and killed the city with their bombs
Sad that these hopeless humans will have to start back at square one

Intro Pt. 2

(Guitarst/Keyboard/Bass interlude duel. Man, the Guitarst is kicking their asses with John Petrucci PLAYING those licks!)

Part III: When the Heart Nurtures Humans

Hey there everybody, my name is Heart and I am kind
Let's all leave this shitty place and watch that stupid Mind die
For he is not at all compashonate about the human race
So be happy and stop listening to THAT horrible discrase

Here you go, a shelter of love
Mabe not as big, but it came from the blood
Now run along and never think again

The stupid heart is so naive because she forgot one thing
And that is to always be smart and accurately think
And soon, the Mind and Heart started to fued with intensity
LET THE WAR BEGIN!!!!!!!!, and so starts the division

Blah! Blah! Blah! Some STUPID war about who gets to control the puny humans

All big mess it was
Humans don't know, they're dumb!
What the hell are these objects doing?
They are just fighting like little girls
You call this the war? That's is 'SOOOOOOOOOO gay, Steve!

The Aftermath

(A looooonnnng and very, very, very tedious new age style Keyboard melody, also with wierd time signatures)

SPOKEN WORD!
What were these two idiots thinking. I mean what were these two sad idiots freaking thinking! It ain't about who gets to control the masses, it's about the warmth and joy, and all in the family. All well, better get this mess cleaned up, before God gets pissed off again.

Diseases for listening to Prog Metal

This is what happens if you listen to Progressive Metal for too long

Sign effects of listening to Progressive Metal includes, living like a nerd, becoming a freakin' weirdo, injecting insect blood into your veins, exploding head because you've listened to absolutely too much prog metal concept album songs, and starting to think you're now "converted" as "smart", or "sophisticated", which does NOT happen to anybody unless you listen to ACTUALL progressive rock music, instead of a bunch of queers trying to be like their prog rock peers that have actuall talent.

Many people (bands) have suffered these diseases, mostly because they only listen to Dream Theater nowdays and think that copying their music by making keyboard solos slightly longer (only slightly) and trying to challenge other prog metal bands by using a bunch of fake time signatures (7/12, 9/15).

In Conclusion

Wait! Stop! Before you all go, there's some songs that I would love to play to you tonight. It's called, Uncyclopedianism.

Tablature

Band: Hemahemahemahemahemahemahemahame, HEAMA!
Song: Uncyclopedianism

.  - palm mute                                        tr - tremelo picking
\  - slide down/detune                                <> - trill for 5 hours
h  - hammer-on                                        &  - strum with a dildo
p  - pull off                                         b-bend
/  - slide up/capo                                    :) - two girls in a cup
~  - wide-ass vibrato                                 
@  - bang the guitar against your nuts on the strings
Type of bends
f  - full bend q - quarter bend
h  - half bend ^ - hold bend
~v - vibrato bend r - release bend
!  - get Bat Fuck Insane
?  - wtf?!
xxx - get Ape-Shit Crazy

Where the hell is that guitar player?! All well, guess I better put out posters again to find him.
eze||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  B||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
 D#||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
ZZZ||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
911||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  A||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|

Time signature: 2.4/8
eze||---------????????-------------------|--------------------------------|
  B||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
 D#||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
ZZZ||------------------------------------|!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!|
911||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  A||-xxx--------------------------------|--------------------------------|

     Found him! He was just lying around the gutters.
Sifting signatures 808/65, 911/4, 4/444/8
eze||---1-----<0-1>----------------------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
  B||----0------2------------------------|--------------------------------|
 D#||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
ZZZ||-2-------------0hb^----r0-----------|--------------------------------|
911||-2----------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  A||-0----0/9---------------------------|--------------------------------|

    Rember to scrape your nuts on all strings 'til its bleeding
eze||@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
  B||--------@----------------@----------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
 D#||-------@----------------@-----------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
ZZZ||------@----------------@------------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
911||----@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@-@-------------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
  A||----@@@--------------@--------------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|


Time Signature: 16/50
                     & Guitar Solo on Drums         Drumsolo on Guitar 
eze||22-24--338------74------------------|&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@&@|
  B||------------666-1-4-----------------|!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@|
 D#||----------------0--98---------------|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!@@!@!@!@!@!@|
ZZZ||---------------11-------1~v---------|---------------!----------------|
911||---------------10-------------------|-------------!------------------|
  A||----------------8-----0-------------|-----------!--------------------|
     tr tr  tr   tr

             HURRY! The guitarst is running away! No wait, he killed himself.
Eh, oh well. Just some free form <strike>garbage</strike>
eze||-9\8---74---------------------------|--------------------------------|
  B||----8/9-----------------------------|--------------------------------|
 D#||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
ZZZ||---------2\1\0\-12/99---------------|--------------------------------|
911||------------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  A||------------------------------------|---:)---------------------------|

   Well, guess I'm going to have to take over as guitarst. Ow, my balls!
eze||xxx-----?????????@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|--------------------------------|
  B||---!!!!!!!!!------@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|--------------------------------|
 D#||-------------------@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|--------------------------------|
ZZZ||--------------------@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|--------------------------------|
911||---------------------@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|--------------------------------|
  A||----------------------@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|-stupid n000b-------------------|

    Now, to do some detuning. Eh, I'm out of here. Se ya later, n00bs. I left a message on the tablature.             
eze||\dmx--------------------------------|--------------------------------|
  B||----\BMW----------------------------|--------------------------------|
 D#||--------\C#-------------------------|-retarded n00bs-----------------|
ZZZ||-----------/ZZZZ--------------------|--------------------------------|
911||----------------\711----------------|--------------------------------|
  A||--------------------\0--------------|--------------------------------|
              Tune up on the ZZZ String.
                                                             

Any Questions?

I know that you're all thinking: "Why it's an imitation to Progressive Rock!" Well, it kinda is, so please Uncyclopedia, don't delete it. It's the only genre of metal that no one has ever made before.

See also

• Prog Rock
• Dream Theater
• Symphony X
• Opeth
• Manowar
• Rush Limbaugh