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I wrote my novel 'The Picture of Dorian Grey' about Podcasting.

Oscar Wilde on Podcasting

Podcasting is a factory that produces apple pies for whales.

A Ninja on Podcasting

Podcasting is a popular game, played by all proud, Celtic families involves throwing the popular witchcraft artefacts, the so-called "iPods", into a deep body of water, or abyssal pit such as the Sea off the Cornish coast, The infamous Loch Ness, where-the-sun-don't-shine, or even Cherie Blair's mouth.

Origins[edit | edit source]

This spiffy sport was created in the year 2087 when, after world war three (which was won by Rwanda, by the way), the New Global Government launched an investigation into a factory operated by people who, despite suffering several direct hits from nuclear ICBM's on three separate occasions, was still turning out the popular MP3 players (by this time, the company had completely fucked up, and went back to manufacturing third generation pods).

After investigation into the vast underground complex, it was discovered that the factory was actually operated by zombies, controlled by the great witch Miss Marple. (They also found a load of guys in body armour, a Neo look-alike, an AI called Helios and some weird guy in an EM field. But who the hell cares?)

To warn previous generations of the ACC's use of contraband black magic, the New Global Government sent one man back in time to the year 2002. Unfortunately, the time-traveller landed in a bar in Ireland, smelling of the time-machines conducting fluid (Whisky). The only man who believed him was a drunk, named Aiden O'Reily, who then told his family. They then all threw their iPods into the river, and from that moment on, a new pastime was formed. The game then quickly spread to other Celtic areas, including Scotland, Wales, Cornwall (England) and the Brittany region of France

Rules[edit | edit source]

Getting ready to play[edit | edit source]

The equipment you will need is as follows:

  • One traffic-control camera.
  • Two umpires (one for a water-game).
  • Two sets of semaphore flags (abyss-games only).
  • Two platforms, one meter in height and diameter.
  • Six bales of hay.
  • Five iPods per player.
  • Chalk (abyss-games only).
  • Marker buoys (water-games only).

You will need to set up the equipment as follows:

  • The traffic-control camera is place at the waterfront/cliff edge, facing along the waterfront/cliff edge.
  • One umpire (the Above Umpire) is placed with the players, at the waterfront/cliff edge, and the second umpire (the Below Umpire) is placed at the bottom of the cliff. One set of semaphore flags is to be given to each umpire, so they may keep in contact for purposes of score-keeping (note: the Above Umpire is the only one needed in a water-game).
  • The two platforms are to be placed some distance (any distance that's appropriate) away from the waterfront/cliff edge, and placed ten meters apart with three bales of hay around each platform (these are only used in the event of a tie-break situation).
  • The Below Umpire then (using the chalk) marks lines every ten meters from the cliff-edge for two-hundred meters (probably no pod will get that far, but the Below Umpire needs something to do.

How to play[edit | edit source]

This is how the game is played:

  • 1: Divide all the players into two teams. The teams do not have to be of equal size, but each team must contain at least one quarter of the players.
  • 2: Each team is then given 5 pods per player. Lots are drawn and the player with the short-straw goes first. The order then continues alphabetically until all pods have been thrown.
  • 3: Points are scored for the following:
    • Distance: One point is awarded for every ten meters the pod travels (including bounce-distance). For water games, this can be either measured by marker buoys, or by rule-of-thumb.
    • Velocity: Two bonus points are awarded if the initial speed is enough to set off the speed camera (four if the camera was taken from a motorway).
    • Damage: On point is awarded for a cracked case, two for a snapped PCB, three for a snapped HDD and five bonus points if all of the above are achieved. If in an abyss-game, the Below Umpire will judge the damage. If in a water-game, points are doubled and judged by the Above Umpire, however the damage must be immediately visible to the Above Umpire before entering the water.
  • 4: A player may allow another team-mate to throw a pod for him, however this can only be done once-per-person, and at a cost of 10 points.
  • 5: The points-per-team are then divided by the number of players-per-team, then rounded down to the nearest whole number. The team with the greatest number will then win.
  • 6: If a tie is reached, then one player is chosen from each team to stand on the platforms, and the two chosen players then take it in turns to throw bales of hay at each other (starting with the player whose name is first alphabetically). If any one player should fall off his platform at any point in this stage, that person, and their team, will then have lost.
  • 7: If no player has fallen of their platforms after each has thrown three bales, they will then have the opportunity to play Ching-Chang-Walla (otherwise known as Rock Paper Scissors) until a clear winner emerges.

See Also[edit | edit source]