Pin the Tail on the Donkey

“A pin up the ass? That sounds most enjoyable!”

– Oscar Wilde

A donkey after a particularly grueling session of the game.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey is a children's party game and major league blood sport that advocates animal abuse. The entire game consists of a large length of metal being inserted into the anus of an ass.

Origins

The game has its origins in ancient Tibet, where starving monks would often skewer wild asses alive using giant metal rods. The ass could then be conveniently spit-roasted to a delicious, golden brown, just like a fuckin' marshmallow. Over time, the game evolved and spread to the Chinese, who would use gunpowder as a makeshift timer for the game, via filling the donkey with it and lighting a fuse that lasted anywhere from three seconds to 45 minutes.

Criticism

Donkeys around the world have also reportedly enjoyed objected to the sadistic game. Renowned donkey rights activist Sarah Jessica Parker claimed it was demeaning to donkeys everywhere at a speech given at the 2004 International Conference for Ass Rights. The speech was met with thunderous braying and crying children. In response, the entire Republican Party laughed at them. Even Strom Thurmond, which was difficult, considering that he's dead.

After playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey at a friend's birthday party, North Dakota native Tabitha Sorenson ruthlessly sodomized her neighbor's pet donkey. Her friends and family were astonished to learn that Tabitha had a penis, but not as astonished as the donkey.

Another event that relates to the game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey occurred at the birthday party of Tom Cruise. He was around 7 at the time, and when trying to play Pin the tail on the Donkey, the donkey who was to be pinned counter-attacked. The donkey then pinned Tom to the ground and stuck his "pin" up Tom's ass. It was a traumatizing day for Tom, as he revealed a lot of repressed memories when he constantly repeated the phrase "daddy no means no!" then screamed "daddy use your fist!" Scientologists have determined that the donkey was in fact John Travolta and that Tom Cruise is not gay.