NotWaterGate
“Shut up, fidiot.”
NotWaterGate, or NWG as it is known by its inhabitants, is a land allegedly located somewhere in Tanzania. Others say Sub-Saharan Africa. According to the scpriptures, NWG was created by The Great Powers That Be, aka Jimmeh, in an unknown year. NWG was founded in order to counter the chaos that was WaterGate (see below). Jimmeh had envisioned a peaceful community and prosperous life for all NotWaterGators (locals of NWG), but soon after its creation NWG was invaded by an evil clan called "The Spammers".
The Great Struggle[edit | edit source]
The Spammers' sole goal in existence was to cause chaos for Jimmeh and his peaceful peoples. A great battle ensued, and Jimmeh appointed three high preists to help him in his plight against the spammers. These priests are known as Osiris, Cocoa, and Aard (formerly known as Ootec [formerly known as Hydros]). Jimmeh entrusted The High Preists with the Ultimate Power, the Power of Omnipotency. Along with the Great Power that Jimmeh had bestowed upon them, and the mighty weapon that was Jimmeh, they eventually oblitorated The Spammers, but at great cost. Jimmeh, according to legend, had a nervous breakdown, and lost all belief in organised society. He no longer had the passion for his land and gave up his great control to the high priests, with promises to one day return and rule again.
The Great Depression[edit | edit source]
After the departing of Jimmeh, the peoples of NWG began to get shifty. There was much uncertainty as for the future of The Land. The High Priests, after pointless deliberation, appointed three ministers to run certain aspects of NWG. However, this didn't help to keep the faith of the people. Slowly, the residents began to succumb to the forbidden pleasures of Binge Drinking, Recreational Drugs and Hardcore Pornography.
WaterGate[edit | edit source]
This never happened.
Government Figures[edit | edit source]
- Jimmeh: All High Ruler of NotWaterGate. Accroding to Article #14 of the Constitution of NWG, disobeying the All High Ruler can result in having rotten fruit thrown at the offender. Jimmeh is yet to use this admirable power, and all NotWaterGators fear the day when he will.
- Osiris: High Priest #1. Myth has it that Osiris is the hybrid result of a secret affair between Oprah and God. Consequently, he has been scarred for life, and takes out his anguish in the form of Death Metal music. Super Power: Hyper-Insults.
- Aard: High Priest #2. It is said that Aard is nothing but a Spammer with a large thesaurus and too much free time. Few actually realise that he has brainwashed Jimmeh into believing that he deserves a position in the Clergy. Those who know his true colours say nothing, lest he smite them with no mercy. Super Power: Fairy Dust.
- Cocoa: High Priest #3. Cocoa is biological hazzard; he is the fusion of Monty Python quotes and Chocolatey Goodness. Because of this nature, Cocoa ages at almost twice the rate of regular NotWaterGators, and is approaching a mental age of thirty-three. Super Power: Cats.
- Rizzy: Minister of Female Affairs. It is believed that there are more Ladies in NWG than Men. However because of extreme misogyny in the past, many women avoid being seen in public, and resort to alcoholism. Thus far, Rizzy has been an admirable pioneer for Women's Rights in NWG. Many predict that she will be the first female Messiah.
- Rand: Minister of Language Enforcement. When the ever patriotic Rand was but a regular civillian, he was an activist for equal status of the language of NWG only ethnic minority. He chained himself to government buildings in his plight for egalitarianism. Jimmeh saw this as a commendable trait, and welcomed him into government.
- Licorice: Minister of Philosophy and Religious Studies. Soon after she arrived, Liquorice was appointed as a Government Minister. Even though she is a Devout Christian, she pretends not be oblivious to other ways of viewing life. Her attempt at polluting the water supply to NWG failed, but most do not believe that it was she who did it. In reality, Liquorice used powerful telelkinesis to erase their memories.
Residents of Note[edit | edit source]
- Bogger/Sigger: A current legal resident of NWG, bogger was one of the main spammer leaders during The Great Struggle, but he converted once his army had been executed. After a short while bogger planned an uprising in NWG but it failed because the NotWaterGators were happy with their leaders. Bogger changed his name to sigger and started a semi-legal buisiness in NotWaterGate, producing questionable artwork upon request, and is currently under intense surveilance by the high priests in case he revolts once more. Bogger spends most of his time in his dungeon, where he tortures .gifs. However, as per the Law Reform of 2005, this is now a permissible activity, as .gifs are not seen as intelligent life forms.
- Sexycat: Once an energetic youth, the Great Depression turned Sexycat into a maniacal alcoholic. These days, her only source of nutrition is Triple Distilled Vodka. She is unable to consume anything with Vitamin C, lest she fall ill with the dreaded Anti-Scurvy. She occasionally wanders into public to berate the High Priests Osiris and Aard. She has not been put into rehab, as she is so fragile in her current condition that she may literally fall to pieces.
- Youme2: This is the only patient in NGW's Hospital for the Mentally Inept. Youme2 believes that he is two people in one body. While he provides entertainment when he is occaionally released from hospitable, he is truly a sad case, and should be avoided if one is to maintain sanity. Nevertheless, this harmless being is loved by one and all. Fun Fact #1: Youme2 used to sport hair-extensions.
- Bob: Bob is a monosyllabic manifestation of sarcastic humour. It is understood that Bob lives in the treetops of a forest near NWG. Unconfirmed sightings have reported that Bob feeds on large birds and leaves of the oak. Bob is temperamental and inquisative. Bob wanders from Bob's trees to partake in philosophical discussions and berate others' taste in music. It is believed by some that Bob is the reincarnation of Aristotle. Bob has been in a land far away for the past few months, and has communicated with NWG though pigeon-mail.
- Enigma: Borderline spammer; makes borderline sense.