Nicholas Johnson

Nicholas Johnson (born 1934) is the single greatest entity on Earth. Born in 2989 to kitten huffing Robots he rose to fame when he developed the Infinite Paradox Theory. He was ultimately his own paradox when he became the first man to travel through time, This record was soon beaten by his Ancestor Robert Johnson whom was brought back to the 30th century 5 seconds before that of Nicholas Johnson. Nicholas Johnson is also credited with destroying the dark side of the moon before Bob Hope was able to finish the job, Introducing ninjas into the education system, creating Uranus (Urectrum as it will be known) as a popular haven for Homosexuals and getting laid on one occasion.

Early life

Nicholas Johnson was born in front of the Tower of Pizza on the 16th of December 2989. His parents, H/12456 and H/24536 where robots of metallic origin who worked on a rocket car assembly line. Though his parents where robots, Johnson was human - he later explained that his parents accidentally welded a piece of human tissue during a hot night at the factory. Some claim that Johnson's parents were in fact the piece of human tissue, but Johnson disproved this by showing his robot DNA patterns to the world. Johnson was also born coughing furballs, this was due to past kitten huffing experiences by his parents.

Johnson grew rapidly during his toddler years due to the infinite amounts of information his robotic parents gave him. By age two he was swearing and into recreational drugs, though these where linked to the janitor, rather than his parents, who were only into kitten huffing and talked using Microsoft's text-to-speech software. Nicholas attended the International School for the Blind (though he was not blind) for profit reasons, mainly due to the ease a person with 20-20 vision could steal off a blind kid. It was in the 12 years of schooling that he built the foundation for his future ventures, namely $55,739, which was change pocketed during his school years. During his schooling no one found it suspicious that he was able to read off the black board or tell if the teacher was running around naked with his pelvis thrusting at the other kids, Nicholas later called his teachers and fellow students "morons" which at the time meant a brand of fabric softener.

Nicholas Johnson graduated from ISB and then went to Clown College to pursue a degree in Antidisestablishmentarianism. Through persistence he conquered the challenges of the coarse (which included spelling of said coarse) and graduated with honors that Mr. T would be proud of. At age 23 he traveled the world with friends on a bus tour, during this time he began wondering how long it would take to get from one destination to another, which lead him to create the Infinite Paradox Theory.

The Theories and Stuff

While in London in 3020, Nicholas came up with the idea that if you jumped off Big Ben, it would hurt. To prove himself right he tried just that. During his coma Johnson went into deep thought sessions about Big Ben. Most of them were in effort to come up with ways of making the ground less hard, his personal favorite was to mix concrete with soft-drink though this idea only came about because a protester sliced his feeding tube three days earlier. But one day, according to Nicholas, he came up with the idea of turning back time so he could avoid hitting the ground head-first, he saw this idea of time travel as a more viable method then buying soft drink.

During his deep thought on creating a time traveling device whilst in a coma, Nicholas saw time as an event leading up to another event and these events all lead up to each other in a constant flow of events. He noticed that time travel would be a disruption in these events, and the previous and future events would have to change to accommodate this. This change would spread across space and time an infinite amount of times, but would happen instantaneously. This would destroy the universe, and effectively making time travel impossible, but was the first real reason as to why time travel was impossible. Nicholas then jumped from his hospital bed and ran for the 1119th Nobel Prize ceremony, knowing that his discovery was great enough to attain the Physics prize. Unfortunately he forgot to remember that the award was rigged and was given to a baboon by the name of Boblet who discovered that if he twisted his hand 5 degrees to the right he would be 40% more efficient at picking his nose.

A year later in 3021, Johnson published the book "Big Ben Will Never Turn Backwards". Ironically, the book was released on the weekend of daylight savings. The book went into a deep explanation of his Infinite Paradox Theory, It was a gigantic success with publicity gained from the utter stupidity that the title shared. The New New York Times gave it a great review, explaining the book as a heart-wrenching story of determination and hot sex, which was great for the kids. Nicholas labeled this review as "moronic" which at the time was an alternative to the chronic. The book went on to generate millions of dollars in revenue and was translated into 56 languages by Nicholas himself - he later said he did this to make the text incomprehensible to non-English speaking people. The book made enough money for Johnson to start his own research center dedicated to finding out stuff that no one else had found out.

Time Travel: The Impossible Possibility

Johnson's multimillion dollar research facility was built just north of the North Pole. The area was chosen due to its low key nature and strong magnetic fields, unfortunately this meant that cutlery was replaced by plastic sporks. He assembled a highly trained scientific team of ninja scientists, who were dedicated to finding out new stuff to use in Ninja wars against the Samurai. With the help of Johnson's great scientific mind, the scientific team went into great debt after receiving their first electricity bill. The bill totaled $2 billion, and was due to the infrastructure needed to power a research facility north of the North Pole, and the constant use of the heater during the sub zero winter. Nicholas Johnson refused to pay the bill and blamed the Eskimos for the bill as they where known to Hotwire the transformers to power their Huskies. Ultimately the power to Nicholas Johnson's Research facility was cut, and Nicholas and his Scientific team had to produce new stuff without the assistance of Electricity.

Nicholas Johnson saw that the Aerosol can has only one use: A substitute to a flame thrower. He knew that it had other uses then to burn himself, so with the help of his Ninja Scientist, they scanned the insides of the Aerosol can for anything that did not seem to be of use for a flame thrower. He noticed that one particular Can had a refreshing odor that when applied to the body, made the ninja Scientist compliment him. He found out that all matter in the universe was attracted to this scent. He soon devised that with enough of this odor he could attract so much matter and thus energy that he could warp space and time and thus travel in time without causing an Infinite Paradox. Unfortunately for the now poor Nicholas Johnson he did not have enough money for the Time Machine, Hence he planned a raid on a Ice Breaker ship that was delivering Deodorant to desperate Canadians.

The Raid took place 20km south of the North Pole, when the giant Ice Breaker Ship, The Ice Breaker 1 was sending over 2 million cans of deodorant to the city of Montreal. Nicholas and the Ninja Scientist used the North Pole as the base for a giant sling shot, which would fly them the necessary 20km to board the ship. Thanks to the mathematical genius that was the Scientist Ninja, Kunshe, they where able to pin point the ship down to the millimeter. Once they all boarded the ship, the Ninjas met with there greatest enemy, The Samurai. The Ice Breaker was alive with the sounds of Swords and karate kicks, as the two engaged in a day long conflict. In the end the Samurai was no match and the Ninjas won one of the greatest battles to take place on an Ice Breaker. Nicholas Johnson took the helm of the ship and guided it back to his Research Facility, then proceeded to dismantle the cans to extract the odor.

It went without a hitch, and soon enough, Nicholas Johnson had enough fuel for his time machine to last him for a life time. He told the world's media that he had come up with the worlds first time machine, they flocked towards the north pole to witness the first man disappear beyond the present. On April 1st 3022, Nicholas Johnson, unknowing of where or when he was heading, got 2 tons of Vanilla Fragrance dumped on him. The fragrance made a giant ball of energy around him, everyone witnessing the event ran for cover, but it was already too late, Nicholas traveled through time.

Time Travel: Lets go Disco!

Nicholas Johnson, nor the Ninja Scientist knew where Nicholas would end up. This was of coarse answered when Nicholas Johnson exited his nice smelling portal. He came out millions of years into the future, where Politicians lie, TV is boring and Fishing is considered a sport. The People in this insane future where insane: They lived a life that consisted of doing the same thing over again, and when something happened that wasn't meant to, they'd bitch about it. Nicholas Johnson was well suited to fit in with this type of culture, For around a month Nicholas Lived this insane way of life, It is believed during this time that Nicholas Johnson lost his virginity, albeit to a alien named "ALF".